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My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome

September 2, 2011



threesome.jpeg
"I asked for him to give me a "fantasy" or "scenario" that he had." 








Henry,

I have been reading your articles for some time now & was wondering if I could ask your advice on something -- or better said, your insight.  What is the male fascination with two girls, or a threesome, if you will? 

Some guys insist that they "only want to watch" but I find this hard to believe... Being a female, brought up in a strict Christian home, I can't understand this.  I am in a relationship with someone and we have been totally honest about many things I haven't talked about with anyone, but this subject seems to really upset me. 

Is this a normal, innate "guy thing"? Or has this been implanted into the male psyche by the same powers that rule the world and corrupt all that is good, pure and true?  If we were to play the scenario out, it would end in hurt feelings and destroyed relationships.  What are you thoughts?


Thanks,
Barbara


My reply:

Thanks for entrusting me with such a profound and basic question. You ask:

Is this a normal, innate "guy thing"? Or has this been implanted into the male psyche by the same powers that rule the world and corrupt all that is good, pure and true?

The answer, a hundred times, is the latter. It has been put in his mind by people trying to destroy marriage; just as the very prospect is undermining your relationship.

A threesome is a form of pornography. It is debauchery.   It offends monogamy, loyalty and love. It is a death sentence for a relationship. I doubt it is pleasurable, but even if it were, many pleasurable things are harmful and part of an addiction.

People are really seeking intimacy in a relationship not titillation. For intimacy, there must be trust; for trust there must be exclusivity. 

Frankly, I would dump this guy. The fact he wants to go there means he is already debauched. He cares nothing about your feelings and well being.

There are plenty of men who want a wholesome woman like you. You are becoming more rare and valuable every day.

Hope this helps,

Henry

I asked Barbara to fill in the background:

I am a 44-year-old recently divorced mother of three who was married for 23 years, the last 10 of which were very difficult to say the least.

I held on until my son was raised .  I knew somehow deep down that how I treated his father was very important and would directly influence what he would expect in a wife, that I was setting the standard by which he would pick his future wife. 

My youngest is 18 and I am now moving into a very different stage of my life, trying  to have an open mind and spiritual perspective (conclusions that I have come to after much thought and prayer) vs. religious perspective (things I was taught as a child by the church). 

I am in a new relationship where honesty is paramount, and we have been openly discussing subjects that I never would have in the past.  I asked for him to give me a "fantasy" or "scenario" that he had. 

He actually kind of played it out a bit (with words only), the famous guy watching two girls/lesbian thing, but afterward, my mind took it to its obvious conclusion, well past that which he was intending: that any guy in this situation would logically have to join in.  Thus, I would have the mental image of the man that I loved with another woman burned permanently in my mind.

Truthfully, the next day it almost seemed like it had happened and I felt quite a disturbing set of emotions, and he felt horrible, seeing how it had affected me. 

Initially, I felt inadequate, the flaws that come with age now seeming so important when just the other day I was feeling extremely feminine, beautiful, and radiant.  And so I posed the question to you.

We talked about this and in the end we agreed that it is definitely NOT something that could ever work for anyone.

He is a 49-year-old widow, recently lost his wife of 27 years who was quite a bit older than him, and had no children but played a very important role in the lives of [his wife's] three grandchildren and is concerned for their future.

I believe he said that he initially saw that scenario in a magazine that his dad had around the house, but now, how much worse things are!  I am glad that we took the time to delve into this taboo subject and I would appreciate the input of your readers as well. 

Is there anyone on the planet that is not affected in some way by pornography?







Scruples - the game of moral dillemas

Comments for "My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome"

Barbara said (September 4, 2011):

Interesting comments!

I/we actually came to the same conclusion: How would HE feel if it was the other way, if the threesome included two men?

Funny, do men think that women don't consider that? Strangely enough, we females also have things that we have to fight in our minds, just like men, but we tend to not need visual stimulation to bring these up. Do men REALLY think they are getting away with anything, with female intuition on our side? While some men can fall right into another woman's trap without knowing what hit them, their wife/girlfriend usually could see it coming a mile away.


I strongly disagree that it was wrong to ask. Is it not written that the truth shall set you free? Shall we have the proverbial elephant in the bedroom and ignore it with a fearful don't ask/don't tell attitude? I feel that men & women should both open the closet door, turn on the light, and talk about these things, even if they are briefly painful or uncomfortable, to better understand each other; a preemptive strike, if you will. "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." And it seems that these days, he is devouring the very backbone of our society, the power that is man and woman together. Divide and conquer this, and he shall rule the world.


Loretta said (September 4, 2011):

I'm 61 years old, was married for 25 years, now divorced for 15 plus. I have experienced a few things I would have preferred not to (during my marriage). From experience, here's my opinion on a threesome.

If it's the guy wanting it, you can bet one of two things: 1) he's using you as his pimp to find another female for another relationship; 2) he already has another woman on the side & has already approached her about a threesome with you.

If you stay in the relationship, even if you never speak of a threesome again, you will always wonder if he is staying true to you.

Because of our children, my former spouse & I have remained friends & I too held on till the children were out of the house.

I agree with Henry that there are many men out there who will appreciate your Christian values. I met my best friend about 13 years ago. I thank God for him everyday.


Mike said (September 4, 2011):

The question, "Tell me your fantasy" is sort of like "Does this dress make me look fat?"

By the time you're out of high school, you should know better than to bumble into questions like this. Typical female trap.


Tony said (September 4, 2011):

The gal with the "threesome" problem referred to herself as "a female." This is common place today.

However, a general mindset or several general mindsets ago, when I was in school, I remember being taught that animals are male and female while people are men and women; boys and girls. The point being that people, made in the image of God, are not just other animals, which lie has been instilled in everyone who goes to school these days as part of the insane, not to mention ridiculous and obviously phony, "evolution" nonsense. I hear school kids today referring to themselves as just other animals. Rationalizes "If it feels good, do it," doesn't it?

How sad that people believe that bunk. How ignorant and thoughtless - but then, that's the objective of "public education;" ignorance and thoughtlessness.


Daniel said (September 3, 2011):

Allow me to disagree with Alamii when he writes that in a conflict, our 'morality' (principles) must be subject to our natural instinct, whatever that may be at the time.

This is a far cry from a universal principle and Godly truth, which, as a matter of fact, does exist, and, moreover, does not change from time to time. Contrary to sensuality, feelings, indulgance, it is something you can actually rely on.

Neither natural principles nor universal principles are the product of evolutionary selection.... There is no basis for that assertion.


BG said (September 3, 2011):

Her first mistake was even asking for a fantasy/scenario. Trust that "normal" is enough. What did she expect? For him to say, "Honey, I've always wanted you to dress up as a French maid"?


My advice, fwiw: Don't go asking a man to scrounge around in his memory to dig up some long forgotten lustful fantasy (which, if enacted, usually turns out to be demeaning for the female, if not sooner, then later, because once you get the idea any such "acting out" is what pleases him, you will always think you have to KEEP doing it to KEEP him, thereby creating a prison for yourself). The more room you give to any such extra-fantasy ideas will only cause them to grow larger & more powerful in the mind. Nip them in the bud:


"...every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.** Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death." -- (James 1:12-15 in context)


**Just asking him to "think" of a fantasy is an "enticement" in itself as it gives his ideas "life." Example: In a prior LTR, I allowed the Mr. to engage in phone sex. Cute for a few times, but he got hooked on the idea & wanted to play that "game" all too often. Not fun anymore, felt demeaning & I began to resent it. My mistake for allowing that door to open in the first place.


Henry wrote:
"A threesome is a form of pornography. It is debauchery. It offends monogamy, loyalty and love. It is a death sentence for a relationship." -- Very profound in few words! Unlike sleazes like Jerry Springer who used to (& probably still does) flaunt threesome couples on his show who then turn around & tear each other to pieces. Talk about debauchery. Not a pretty sight.


Marc said (September 3, 2011):

The woman trapped the guy into revealing intimate personal thoughts as though she could be trusted with them...He should dump HER because she can't be trusted to sort out fantasy from reality. Of course it depends on how committed he is to experiencing this. People many thoughts that cross our paths that we never work to fulfill. On the other hand people become obsessed from them. But I got the impression this was an intimacy they shared, revealing each others fantasies. And then the woman probably said she didn't have any when it was her turn.



Alamii said (September 3, 2011):

The connection that you have pointed out between pornography and polygamy has much deeper and more important significance. Porn serves only to focus our attention on something which is hardwired into our psyche and physiology...the reproductive instinct, the second most powerful motivator of human life. That's why pornography is so addictive and powerful and cannot be eradicated. Coming to Barbara's question, polygamy has been part of human history since ancient times, eg King Solomon's harem. This same setup, of an important male copulating with numerous females is also repeated throughout nature, for example see:
http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/enviro/EnviroRepublish_1204826.htm

which also explains why such a system has numerous benefits. Barbara's question raises a much more significant moral issue, which is: how do you resolve the conflict of a moral principle with a natural principle (which almost always is beneficial). My own opinion is that morality must work in harmony with nature, for natural principles are the product of evolutionary selection over millions of years.

In Barbara's particular case, my suggestion is perhaps obvious: she can ask for the same, a threesome involving herself, her husband and another man, and see how her hubby reacts to this. That is likely to cramp his style and lessen his enthusiasm for 2 gals and himself. Whatever happens, so long as Barbara and her boyfriend can clearly separate their mutual love from satisfying their sexual needs, things should turn out okay. It follows therefore that if this mutual love is based overwhelmingly on physical attraction, then things may go awry. Good luck Babs !


Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at