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Our Obsession with "Relationships"

September 10, 2012


When I recall my mental habit of looking for a woman
 as the "key" to my happiness
 and masculine development -- I feel both duped & stupid.

by Henry Makow Ph.D. 

I got 637,000,000 links just now when I googled "relationships." 

The first one, from Psychology Today, begins: "For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives."

This is our PRIMARY brainwashing, delivered by Hollywood.  The plot is always:  find love, have sex, live happily ever after. "Love" is the religion. Sex is the holy sacrament. 

We are programmed to be co-dependent. Every song is a variation of "you are my sunshine" and "I can't live without you!" 

When I consider the energy I expended in this quest for "meaning", I feel betrayed. Especially considering how stupid, deceitful and vain some of the women were. 

When I recall my mental habit of seeing women as the "key" to my happiness and masculine development- I feel both duped and stupid.

I expect many people have found "meaningful relationships."  Finally, even I derive considerable satisfaction from my marriage. 

But "most meaningful element in my life"?

No, I wouldn't jeopardize it with such expectations.

The problem isn't with my "relationship."  Romantic relationships were not designed to be "the most meaningful element in our lives."  

Romance should be a small but important part of our lives. Maybe 25% for men; 50% for women. (Yes, I believe women should have more invested in love.)


Our relationship to God, i.e. our ideals (personal and social) should be number one. Rewarding and satisfying work should come next.  Our children and friends. Then, there is a plethora of activities: sports, hobbies, arts, intellectual interests, projects ... You get the picture.

We are brainwashed to see romance as a panacea. These ridiculously high expectations sabotage our chances. 

Romantic love is usually a delusion divorced from the practicalities of actually cohabiting with someone. It's a form of idolatry induced by the instruments of mass hallucination. No wonder so many  relationships fail. 

Carl Jung said that when we reject God, we must create false Gods. They take away God in order to deceive us with false Gods. Communism was an example. Romance is another. 

Society worships Beautiful Women. It is a cult. Women pour all their energy into looking "hot" and pretending to be something they're not.

People connect on the basis of sexual attraction. But for sex, they wouldn't give each other the time of day. 

What could possibly go wrong?    

Generally, in romance, we are really looking for someone to give us ourselves. No one can do that but us, by setting personal goals and achieving them. 

God is the principle of our self-development - the ideal within. Ultimately, it's about liking ourselves. 

What do you think? Are "relationships" overrated or not? 

I want to hear from you either way.    ([email protected]


Related - Love is based on Mutual Dependence 

First Comment by Juan (from Spain):

 I think that "relationships" and romantic love are idolatry that move away men from the main goal of human life, that is to worship God. 

We know that Jewish Kabbalah introduced a lot of deviances in the West, but this way of idolatry called romantic love wasn't created by any Jew... Western Europeans created it in the Middle Ages idolizing the woman in the, so called, Courtly Love.

 Medieval Courtly Love and idolatry of the woman evolved from Early modern period and Renaissance to the Age fo revolutions, crystallizing finally in modern/actual romantic love. We can find the west european romantic love expressed in literature in medieval and Renaissance heroic novels (Romance), in W. Shakespeare or in J. W. Goethe (his character Werther even commit suicide for a woman and in his "Faust" the main character is saved by the Eternal Feminine, that is the Godess). 

On the opposite, most effective and pertinent criticism to this stupid and empty idolatry came from M. de Cervantes "Don Quixote", that is an hilarious mockery of Courtly Love and its values.

Romantic love and obsession with women is used today to destroy manhood, because the males are indoctrinated to worship the woman. 

Females are indoctrinated to worship themselves. Never existed Courtly Love from women to men (the perfect man in the West is the man that worship the woman) and, at least in Europe, a lot of pop songs for young males are about "you're my life, my sunshine, I cannot live without you, etc." but the songs for young women are about "I'm strong enough, I needn't you, I can't bear you anymore, I will survive, etc."

From its beginning Courtly Love demanded we idolize the woman and be submissive to her. 

 What's the truth? I think that is realistic love, that is love God with the whole heart, with the whole soul and with the whole mind (worship God) and try to build healthy and pertinent relationships with another people. Don't idolize human beings or seek hapiness from them. If you have nothing and you have God, you'll be happy but if you have everything (health, money, marriage, kids) and you don't have God in your life and you don't fight for God, you'll be empty.



Scruples - the game of moral dillemas

Comments for "Our Obsession with "Relationships" "

Karyn said (September 18, 2012):

I just recently came across your above named article, and felt compelled to write you. I agree with a lot of what you are saying here, I think people do invest too much in the IDEA of a relationship, more than they do to the relationship itself, and I also agree that ones relationship should not be 'the most important element of your life'

People need to like/love/respect, hell even just know themselves, better than most do, before committing to a serious relationship, and I think that is a huge part of our societies problem with marriage and divorce.

No one wants to take the time to get to know themselves and figure out what they want for their own life and happiness before they rush into trying to make someone else happy.

I'm a blogger for a website and this is a big part of what we are trying to do to help people realize this.

I bristled a bit when you mentioned that women should have more invested in love than men... I'm curious to know why you feel that way.



Women are in denial (psychologically and biologically) if they don't recognize that marriage and family is their first career. Someone has to put these things first for the good of society and I believe that women are born to do this.


Ronny said (September 11, 2012):

I am a 22 year young man. I live in Norway in the worlds most expensive city Trondheim. Here I live with my girlfriend who I've spent 3 years and 4 months together with,
to make it short and concrete; she goes to school to school for her education, I am spending my time preparing for my education (Professor in ancient history.)
We make it work, by using knowledge about how to make it work, its a finite balance of trust, love, giving and taking.

To make it work in this crazy world, you really have to know thy self, and like your self for who you really are. We both feel this way, and make it work, our goal is not marrige, kids and family life, but to reach our ideals and goals. And when we are both ready and prepared we will have kids, and live as a family.

Anna said (September 11, 2012):

The way to stop people obsessing over romantic relationships is to ensure they have them as soon as they start to desire and need them (around ages 18-22). A well-fed person does not obsess over food, a well-rested one does not obsess over sleep, and a well-matched one does not obsess over romance. Our basic needs are the most important things, and they must be met - but once they are, we can go on to achieving more.

In almost every society throughout history, intense romantic love has not been a precondition for a successful marriage. Certainly "love matches" were made, but in the main couples formed unions based on more pragmatic concerns, such as whether both parties brought enough to the relationship for it to be successful (can the man provide for a family? can the woman cook and sew?) and produce healthy children. Romantic love fades, and should only be one, relatively small, consideration to take into account when considering marriage. If young people were given this message rather than the relentless Hollywood propaganda that they must find the mythical perfect "one", then we would have a much more functional and productive society which generated a lot less business for the psychiatric and pharmaceutical industries.

It's important to remember that not only is the current romantic retardation vital to breaking up families and establishing the NWO, it is also very profitable. Think of all money people spend on looking "hot", going out on dates, joining gyms and dating sites, etc etc - keeping people single and searching is vital to the bankers draining as much money out of everyone as possible.

People need to stop looking for someone who is a perfect physical, emotional, and intellectual match, who ticks every artificial media-constructed box, and instead focus on finding someone who is good enough to make a match and life with. This is hard enough in itself these days, but it isn't impossible. Most people rule out vast swathes of otherwise entirely suitable partners by having ridiculous preconditions about the types of people they will even consider dating (women want rich, six foot tall doctors, men want big-breasted, supermodel nymphomaniacs, etc). The over-inflated narcissism of the West encourages all such expectations ("because you're worth it").

It is impossible for people to imagine now, but as little as 60 years ago, people married their high school sweethearts, stayed with them for life, and were happy. They were happy in large part because they did not have to become neurotic or obsessed over their relationship status. They were not fed the nonsense that there was some fictional perfect person out there for them that they had to hold out for. These days, people talk about commitment stifling one's "freedom", but actually it is the other way round - a committed relationship frees one from romantic obsession, and thus allows real growth to take place.

Angela said (September 11, 2012):

Yes, the message that “"For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their live" flies in the face of reality.

This may or may not be true for the young who have not yet found a mate, but what about the rest of us: happily and unhappily married couples, elderly in nursing homes or living alone in their homes, babies and toddlers, priests, nuns, schoolchildren etc, etc. However this lie is damaging and it is planned to damage.

I remember going to a so-called Arts Council session at my child’s school, where a clown performed to entertain the kids. I was disgusted when he got two small children, aged about 5, of the opposite sex, to come on stage with him, and began to insinuate, both in words and in body language, that the little boy was sexually attracted to the little girl. It was shortly after that that I removed my children from the school system and educated them in the safety of our own home.

As for “We are programmed to be co-dependent”, actually there’s truth in that. Co-dependency gets bandied about as a negative, a form of sickness, however in the married state we are supposed to be co-dependent. God made woman as man’s helpmate; he depends on her, she on him, and together they are “one flesh”. They are made to complement each other. After the introduction of sin, this became very hard to achieve and takes constant sacrifice on the part of both. Not romance but sacrifice. Sacrifice is hard to sell however!

A message for Alberta: In the eyes of the Catholic Church, if your daughter-in-law married your son with the intention of not having children, then that is not a valid marriage, the primary end of marriage being the bearing and education of children. A person whose intention is not to have children cannot contract a valid marriage. This is not divorce, however, because there is a no marriage, if that was her intention. If indeed that is the case, although your intentions are good, yours is not necessarily the best advice. I’d be investigating further.

Jim MD said (September 11, 2012):

You are so right! Spot on once again. Great article.

Tin Pan Alley, Hollywood, and TV have done a real "number" on us - delusion and deception. Real men and women are not like the men and women depicted in romantic movies. I have found, most real women will pay more attention to their children and dogs than their husbands. I also recommend reading "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge.

Michael (UK) said (September 11, 2012):

There are different frequencies of love. Running the gamut of ascendancy from 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' through to the kind of unconditional love that Yeshua displayed in Golgotha, Jerusalem.

When you look around you, what do you see? I can see that our attentions are focused on genital love, and intentionally. Fleeting romantic relationships between two partners. Self-serving and often bogus. That's all you'll see out of Hollywood.

Very rarely will you see the promotion of the higher frequencies of love, and when used, it is to serve some agenda. Patriotism and a love of one's nation, for example. A love of the group, but how that has been used is now apparent to everybody. You will NEVER see unconditional love truly promoted. Self-sacrifice. Giving wholly for the welfare of others.

The latter is the way that humanity would go, absent any and all forms of coercion and control. Love can involve acts of physical tenderness and passion. Can the same be said of lust, through which people are reduced to holes and pegs, and sexual athletes?

Many forms of love have their place in some way, and do not have to be mutually exclusive. But that is how they have been engineered.

But they don't want you to see that, because then, you might think about more than your paycheck, mortgage, 'partner', et cetera, and that's no good, from a corporate tyrant's point of view.

T said (September 11, 2012):

Are 'relationships' overrated?
I don't think so. Everybody truly yearns for a bond with another, even animals. It's natural. Unfortunately, we were taught wrong, in broken families and curses....In an environment where we are forced to learn the consequences. It sounds bad, but because there is a living God full of Grace, a curse instantly turns into a blessing with your faith and belief... Hollywood and Satan(false relationships) can turn into real, true relationships. Sexual relationships are definitely overrated.

Loving, lasting, meaningful, Godly relationships can never be played out in Hollywood. Only in REAL life can it be LIVED out. In today's society, the word 'relationship' is just an inside word for 'sleeping together'. I was brainwashed to 'sleep with more girls' than my pals. But, I believe, because of God I never got what I tried to fit in to get, because that's simply perversion of Love, and it wasn't me. Though I was taught wrong, through it I learned right from wrong. I learned myself, that I didn't really wanna 'just sleep' with her, but what I really wanted was a loving female to share my time and joy with. I can only speak for myself... but, I suspect, that is what most men REALLY want.
God is a match maker, when it's your time, He will attract to you, a helpmate. :)

Richard said (September 11, 2012):

I have rarely written you, if ever, but your post on relationships was simply outstanding. One powerful bullet point after another. You sounded like a Traditional Catholic, and I welcome that.

However, I think you stumbled near the end regarding God as a principle of self-development... the ideal within... and liking ourselves. I would argue that we are called to be transformed in Christ. Anyway, great job overall.


Thanks Richard,

You may be right but this is really the way of the mystic devoting himself mind and soul to Jesus. If you can do it, more power to you.


Alberta said (September 11, 2012):

I grew up on Romantic movies and Romantic Songs. After three marriages, one ending in divorce from the other two, being widowed. I am 65 and I have some experience in between with 'romance'.

I do believe in romance, but I see it as a trap if one uses Hollywood as the road map. I recently had to have a heart wrenching mother-son talk with my 28 year old who married his home town girl. Nothing is turning out the way he imagined. She does not want children; she is gaining weight,; she cut her hair short and they have not had sex for a year.

Oh, yeah, they are constantly arguing and fighting. All his home town friends are telling him that he has all the reason to leave her. However, I did not.

I said that no matter how much you think you know the person you are going to marry, you don't. Many a married person woke up at some point and turned to the person in bed with them and said, "Who is this person I married?" It is at that point you have a decision to make. I said that is where you are.

I told him his wife is not a commodity that he can simply dispose of because she no longer suits you. You made a vow "death do us part." I told him that every indication I have, you meant it when you said it and so did she. This was never meant to be a trial run.

I further said do you think you can really walk away from that vow believing you can find another woman that you can make that same promise to simply because she is not your present wife?

Do you really think that your future will be filled with children who are happy and well adjusted because of your new found love with their mother? I said only in the movies can people move on and find happiness in the arms of another person. I told him that he needs to find a way to be happy even if his wife is fat, bald and sleeping with their dog.

Only time will tell if he takes my advice.

E said (September 11, 2012):

This is not a complex equation at all, and sex is just a small part, as the passion that binds a union in marriage goes to a much higher level. It is all about having common interests that fuels the passion with the love of golf, or searching for antiques, or the love of fishing together, and the list is long. Sex will never fuel the binding passion too long in any marriage, but the binding force that fuels the love and passion forever between a man and a woman in marriage is having common interests that will explode the binding force forever.

Derek said (September 11, 2012):

I would agree relationships are in many ways over rated, a female partner should be your help mate and not the end all be all of your existence.

I too spent many years suffering from societal brain washing chasing half the female population of Manitoba around. I threw in the towel at 30 and began seeing things in a very different light, when you say "When I recall my mental habit of looking for a woman as the "key" to my happiness and masculine development- I feel sick." I understand completely.

Romantic love is a delusion divorced from the practicalities of actually co-habitating with each other but unfortunately this is just par for the course now days (at least here) if it were not for economic opportunity I would likely leave this continent.

Thomasz said (September 10, 2012):

I must agree with your article about this insane obsession over "finding love". I personally have tried on line dating for a few years and noticed that (maybe I am more mature) that the "hot women" on these sites are not only bitches but they are airheads.
And when I come to think of it. these women get nothing but compliments all their lives. no one tells them negative things.

Compared with the average looking woman, who had to deal with reality, they have an actual personality.

What is even worse, is how fashion makes women look more slutty, and in the end a guy like me comes to a point where I ask myself what is the point.

Rollin said (September 10, 2012):

Byron wrote, "Man's love is of man's life a thing apart, 'tis woman's whole existence."

The obsession with sex and romance by men as well as women in modern times is a prominent aspect of the feminization of men. It's good to have a loving marriage, but no man should consider himself a failure just because he isn't "successful" with women.

John said (September 10, 2012):

You are PRECISELY right HM.

Also read " Wild at Heart " by John Eldredge

John M MD

Anna said (September 10, 2012):

Ever read the Song of Solomon. Passionate and head over heels in love, and yet deep. "love is as strong as death." Song of Solomon 8:6 But then I wouldn't say these people had a relationship, I would say God made them soul mates for each other to give glory to him.

Think this captures something of the union, some of our grandparents have shared.

Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at