Who is Pavlov's Dog? - A Satire
June 1, 2012
"This isn't about protecting dogs, is it? It's about training white males."
by Henry Makow Ph.D.
(updated from June 24, 2008)
This session of the Human Rights Tribunal of the 17th District of the Feminist Soviet of Canada is set to begin. Ms. Rutherford- Armstrong is the Prosecutor. The Judge is Madam Chegundi Tsunami, a woman of color. The Defendant is Henry Makow of Winnipeg, white male.
Rutherford-Armstrong: "Mr. Makow, at 10.25 a.m. on May 22, 2012 at the corner of Maple and Higgins, you were overheard to utter the words, "bad dog" to your pet. How do you plead?"
Makow: "Guilty with an explanation, Madame. "
Rutherford: "And what is your explanation?"
Makow: "I'm trying to teach Raffi not to chase cats. He has pulled me off my bike more than once and broken many retractable leashes."
Rutherford: "The witness, a Ms. Termagant, reported that there was a hint of impatience in your voice. This was confirmed by tapes from a nearby CCTV. Is this true?"
Makow: "Yes, it's possible."
Rutherford: "Do you realize how damaging this is to a dog's self esteem? Demonizing him as "bad"? Withdrawing affection?"
Makow: "I was just trying to train him. I wasn't angry. I still loved him."
Rutherford: "Mr. Makow, do you have any professional credentials in the field of dog training? Have you read any Feminist theorists?"
Rutherford: "Then, you wouldn't know how to train a dog, would you?"
Makow: "Well, I think I can figure it out. I do praise him when he obeys."
Rutherford: (shaking her head in disgust) "Your Honor, please note Makow's arrogance, typical of someone who has enjoyed the fruits of Patriarchy all his life. What makes you think the dog should obey you?"
Makow: "Well he belongs to me."
Rutherford: "How can you 'own' another living being? Aren't you being paternalistic? Doesn't he have a right to find self-fulfillment on his own terms?"
Makow: (speechless) "He's dependent on me now."
Rutherford: "Neighbors report that Makow often summons his dog by saying, "C'mon, you miserable mutt." This is psychological abuse."
Makow: "I'm just kidding. It's a term of endearment."
Judge Chegundi-Tsunami - "The dog can't tell whether you're kidding or not. It's abuse!"
Rutherford: "Your Honor, we've had other reports of Makow leaving his dog outside a supermarket. The dog jumps up on him when he emerges but Makow scolds him. This causes stress and self-doubt in the animal."
Makow: "Raffi has sharp claws. I know he's happy to see me; I fend him off as gently as possible."
Rutherford: "But you are rejecting him, nonetheless?"
Makow: "Don't men have any rights? 'When a white male is cut, does he not bleed?'"
Judge Chegundi-Tsunami: "That's enough facetiousness. I won't warn you again. You will be held in contempt."
Rutherford: "Your Honor, Makow is exhibiting the abusiveness characteristic of all white males. The pattern of white man-dog inequality is the original model for oppression throughout history. It is the cause of imperialism. By making an example of Makow, we can end injustice once and for all."
Judge Chegundi Tsunami: "I am in complete agreement. Makow is interfering with the dog's natural instincts. The tendency of white men to try to control Nature is the reason for global warming and war, as well as discrimination against Jews, women, children, homosexuals, people of color, and animals.
Mr. Makow, you'll be able to ponder your misdeeds in jail. Thankfully, Patriarchy is dead and you are just a hoary remnant. Your kind will be extinct in a few more years and mankind can enter a very very long period of peace and harmony.
I sentence you to 30-days and fine you $500 for animal abuse. Also, you will take a six-month Anger Management Course. I hope you'll think twice before saying "bad dog" again.
Raffi will become a ward of the State and will be raised by professionals. Mr.Makow, do you have anything to say?"
Makow: "This isn't about protecting dogs is it? It's about training white males."
Chegundi Tsunami: "Be careful what you say, Mr. Makow. I'm warning you! Bad man! Bad man!"
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Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at