My Wonderful Taiwan Marriage
June 24, 2011
left. Mrs Parker "
I got lucky, but I also used my head."by Mike P
(henrymakow.com)
If I may, I would like to respond to a recent article, "My Disastrous Taiwan Marriage".
While I feel genuine sympathy for this man's situation, I
also feel that a more complete picture of these particular inter-cultural
relationship issues is necessary.
I have lived in Taiwan for six years, and I am married to a
Taiwanese woman.
Truthfully speaking, I am happy. I am grateful to have found
a woman such as my wife. She is intelligent, hard-working, organized,
sensitive, and - if you don't mind me including it - quite physically
attractive.
I have found in my Taiwanese wife what I could not find in a
Western (here meaning, specifically, American) woman. I'm a California native.
Before I moved to Taiwan, my greatest dating obstacles were these: my car was not expensive enough; and I
have a lot of body hair, mainly on my chest, arms, and legs, but a bit on my
back too. You cannot believe how much stress these stupid factors worked against
my dating possibilities, back in California.
I used to spend hours perusing hair laser-removal clinic ads, trying to find some special offer that would make permanent backside hair removal affordable.
I used to spend hours perusing hair laser-removal clinic ads, trying to find some special offer that would make permanent backside hair removal affordable.
Upon moving to Taiwan, I discovered something near the level
of a miracle. Here, hair is considered manly. Of course it is de facto "manly", but it's so vilified by
statue-seekers back in the States that for some men, having back hair makes
them freaks. Hell, having hair at all makes them freaks. I had more than one
girlfriend back in California who told me, "I'm surprisingly not disgusted
by your thick chest hair." Well. Don't that make me lucky. I guess it did,
a few times. Hmmm.
As for the car problem? Well, most people here don't have or
need cars. Problem deleted.
Taiwanese (and Japanese) women appreciate Western men, not
only for their manliness, but also for their romantic approach to
relationships.
See, in these highly traditional societies, there are two
strata of women: The Virgin Wife;
and the slut. Men demand a Virgin Wife, who will serve a purpose, which is to
produce a child. Men expect their wife to provide the public face of the
family, which is happiness, stability, gentility, and virtue.
They keep their wives apart from their "dark" sexual urges, which would be, really, in filtered form, just general sexual intimacy. They court their future wives assiduously, showering them with gifts and attention right up until the day after their wedding night...and then it all stops.
The husbands have sex with their wives until they're pregnant and in the meantime they vent their heavy fantasies by having affairs or going to prostitutes. I've heard the story over and over again.
They keep their wives apart from their "dark" sexual urges, which would be, really, in filtered form, just general sexual intimacy. They court their future wives assiduously, showering them with gifts and attention right up until the day after their wedding night...and then it all stops.
The husbands have sex with their wives until they're pregnant and in the meantime they vent their heavy fantasies by having affairs or going to prostitutes. I've heard the story over and over again.
Western men are different. Western men want a lover and
partner that they can respect as an equal. Naturally, Asian women gravitate
towards this, because they live in a respective romantic vacuum. They
appreciate a man who treats with their sexual needs, without treating them as a
whore.
Now, none of this means that my search for a permanent
relationship here proceeded ideally. Westerners and Chinese think differently.
Very, very, very differently. Any man who gets "rice fever" and vows
to mate with a Chinese woman must know what he is dealing with, and it takes time
to learn that.
The first thing to know: The vast majority of Chinese women value their family's
traditional expectations, and FISCAL SECURITY, above all else. It's a nice
theory. If you deduce that this would make them comparatively
"cold-hearted", you would be right. I have met more "financially
secure" ice figurines here than I ever knew back in the States.
They're also utterly emotionally and sexually unfulfilled, because they married ugly, pasty, money-and-power-hungry men who are completely selfish in bed and every other way, but they have big bank accounts, so.... These "happily" married women compensate for their true dissatisfaction by either overworking themselves, or micro-managing their offspring, or having affairs.
The epidemic of the "Love Motel" is no secret in Taiwan. I recently had a conversation with a colleague who revealed that nearly every single acquaintance at her former place of employment was cheating on their spouse.
They're also utterly emotionally and sexually unfulfilled, because they married ugly, pasty, money-and-power-hungry men who are completely selfish in bed and every other way, but they have big bank accounts, so.... These "happily" married women compensate for their true dissatisfaction by either overworking themselves, or micro-managing their offspring, or having affairs.
The epidemic of the "Love Motel" is no secret in Taiwan. I recently had a conversation with a colleague who revealed that nearly every single acquaintance at her former place of employment was cheating on their spouse.
The second thing to know: Chinese culture actively promotes the avoidance of
liability. This has to do with the cultural theme of "face-saving".
People can do what they want, any way they want, and they are not accustomed to
being confronted and called to account over it. Corruption at all levels is far
worse in Asia, in general, than in the West. And, should you choose to confront
someone over a transgression, you may expect lifelong hatred in return. And -
if it happens at work - devastating consequences to your career.
What about confrontation in a relationship? I had a couple
of potentially disastrous relationships here in Taiwan, prior to my current
marriage.
The first relationship failed because I realized that my
incipient spouse was psychologically incapable of dealing with any problems in
an open, discursive way. Chinese people look to the outside, not the inside.
They are more concerned with forms and mannerisms, than with intentions and
meaning.
The second relationship failed (thank goodness) because I
noticed her tendency to focus on money and security. When I confronted her
about this, she admitted her priorities. I was monstrously in love with her,
but given her needs, I had to find something better.
I scored on the third relationship because I met a Taiwanese
woman who was capable of thinking outside of her cultural box. We talk. We
meet. We examine. We choose together. It's a good relationship.
We also knew each other for a solid five years before we
decided to marry. I would recommend to any Western man, looking for marriage to
an Asian woman:
Don't settle for anything less than three-to-five years of
courtship with an Asian woman.
I got lucky, but I also used my head.
Dan said (June 25, 2011):
Good counterpoint article tonight to previous writer's lament of Asian girl-hunt failure. Tonight's correspondent had a plan.
"I got lucky, but I also used my head"
My comment is that if American men used their head (the one upstairs that is), they wouldn't even have to go abroad to find a decent girl right here at home.
It's my firm belief that a man that has his head on straight will be noticed by worthwhile women anywhere in the world.