On Turning 60
November 17, 2009
The girl at the McDonald's drive thru took one look at me and asked if I wanted a half-price "Senior's Coffee."
"Sure," I said. "I turned 60 last week."
If life's purpose is to leap nimbly from the Student Discount to the Senior Discount, I have succeeded.
I turned 60 on November 12. Getting old is baffling for a boomer like me, who was immature until age 50. I suffered from the arrested development socially engineered in our "culture," i.e. feminism, multiple marriages and divorces. Now, I have cast myself as the voice of experience, a role I am unprepared for, unless we mean "bad experience."
My biggest mistake was trusting my elders --media , professors --"looking up" to them or anyone. Our society is as bankrupt culturally as it is fiscally. My writing is a memo to my 20-year-old self, containing the information I wish I had then.
THE CULT OF SEX AND ROMANCE
When I was young, I pitied "seniors" because they didn't have sex and romance which was the Holy Grail. Now I pity my younger self because I was deceived, deluded and ruled by these chimeras.
In the past few months, I've noticed sexual desire fall away like chains turning to dust. Oh, the years I wasted in slavish adoration of the female and hankering for her love.
I am still a practising heterosexual but the female body has lost its appeal. It's not only my age. I'm disgusted with women for abandoning their femininity. Women used to be able to love men. Now they want to be men.
Changing the subject. Jerry Seinfeld and I have something in common. We belong to an exclusive club. You'll never guess the membership requirement.
We both learned about masturbation after we lost our virginity.
We were both cerebral Jewish teenagers who sublimated our sex drive. Jerry was obsessed with the art of comedy. I was obsessed with the Vietnam War and saving the world, not quite as lucrative.
But, at least I got laid thanks to the Vietnam war. I lost my virginity in 1968 after spending three hours explaining the New Left Version of that conflict to a young woman. Afterward, I asked her why she responded to my long, intricate recital.
"I needed to make sure you were serious," she said.
Yes, I have always been serious.
Technically I didn't lose my virginity that night. Because of the Jerry Seinfeld Syndrome, I didn't know what to do.
"Most men move back and forth," my girlfriend hinted.
"Well, that's other men," I said.
She didn't want to burst my balloon. She quietly endured three months of frustration until the genius figured it out by himself.
Oscar Wilde said that, "nothing worth learning can be taught."
And most of what I was taught wasn't worth learning. I tried to drop out of school many times but was dissuaded by my father each time.
Finally, school became a place to hide from society while I tried to figure out the world.
My ambition was to write the Truth but I didn't know what it was. So I studied other writers. At university, they worship Great Men as if they were Gods.
Finally, in 1999-2000, teaching part-time, I discovered that The State was encouraging lesbianism in the guise of "feminism."
"Why?" I asked myself.
That's how I discovered the Illuminati Conspiracy and haven't looked back. I took my course to the Internet and reached tens of thousands.
For my birthday Thursday, a dear friend invited me out. "So how're you doing?" he asked.
"I'm in the wrong business" I replied. "It's depressing to record the demise of civilization. I'd rather have fun like everyone else, fiddle while Rome burns."
There's not much glory or reward in sounding an alarm. But the die was cast when I read "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich" at age 10 and asked,"How could adults, who demanded children's respect, be so stupid?"
That's why I was so self-confident as a 12-year-old, appearing on "What's My Line?"
I'm still the arrogant youth who thought the other men were doing it wrong. I was mistaken then, but not now.
I am grateful that finally I can see the truth, horrible though it is, and do what I always wanted.
Note- Thanks to my readers for your emails expressing appreciation and encouragement. I can''t believe how sweet and generous you are!