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American Extols Gender Roles in Indonesia

June 14, 2013

indowoman1.jpg(left, Indonesian beauty)

After three FAILED American marriages,
Bernard Grover found "balance" in the
traditional gender roles practiced in Indonesia.
This may be the reason the East will surpass the West.

"In total, I have been married for 20 years.  The last three have been the happiest with my submissive Asian wife.  We have disagreements, but never fights.  There are never threats of lawyers and walking out.  It's not all sunshine, but it's deeply satisfying on all levels: mental, physical and spiritual."

"Those who have studied and experienced dominance and submission know that the submissive one always has the power to say, "No!"  The trick is not getting the power, but keeping it.  That requires wisdom and restraint."

(Editor's Note: I personally find this example a bit extreme but agree with the basic principle. I present it to you for discussion.)

by Bernard Grover

Bernard Grover is an independent writer/producer living in Indonesia for the past five years.

A man is transferred to Indonesia for a year or so on business.  He brings his wife and family with him.  After a few months, he divorces his Western wife and marries a local woman.  If I've heard this story once, I've heard it a dozen times. 

Invariably, my wife asks me why.  I've tried to explain the English concept of "battle axe" or the German version, "hausdrache" (house dragon).  The idea of a woman who is domineering and disrespectful of her husband is as foreign to her as eating a dog is to a Westerner.

On the other hand, I've known many Indonesian women with successful careers who turn in their notice with the reason that they are getting married.  If you ask them why, they will tell you they need to stay home and care for their husbands and fledgling families.  Not because they are forced to, but because the culture here expects a woman to concern herself with matters of home and hearth.  And they are happy to do so.

Two years ago, I wrote an article entitled, "My Submissive Asian Wife Empowers Me."  It's time to revisit that article and examine whether Asian women really are superior to Western women, and whether the Asian culture truly does empower a man.  And the short answer to both questions is, "Yes!"


When I rise every morning at 4 a.m., my wife has already prepared my coffee and breakfast, heated the bath water and started cleaning the house.  I have never asked, much less demanded this behavior.  It's her role as she understands it and she has never complained about it once.

The other day, I had a couple of colleagues to the house for a casual get-together.  By the time I had led them inside, my wife had set out refreshments and cakes on the table and did not join the conversation past initial introductions until I asked her to do so.  Even then, she took a cushion on the floor at my feet and did not sit at the same level as the men.  I did not request or order her to serve my guests, and certainly not to sit on the floor.  It was her duty as my wife to make me look respected and in charge in front of my associates.  Being Westerners themselves, my guests took careful note, as I could see by their expressions.

When I take my family out for dinner or other activity, my wife and daughter open doors for me and will not sit at the table until I do.  When the food comes, I am served first.  I have never said  I expect this treatment.  It is just done that way and there is no need to say a thing, though I am always appropriately thankful.

I am the intellectual, spiritual and economic leader of my house.  My wife may (and frequently does) offer her opinion on important matters, or advise me on social necessities, but when I have made a decision, there is no further discussion, especially in front of others.  She always presents a united front with me and wouldn't think of gainsaying me and causing me to lose face.

At this point, you may be thinking, "This is incredible, but what does she get out of the deal?"  I'm glad you asked.


The man's role is to provide emotional and economic security, as well as to make well-informed and wise decisions concerning the family's well-being.  He is the example of moral and ethical behavior to his family.

If there are any problems that affect the household, the man is expected to represent his family.  If the problem is between two houses, the men settle the matter, regardless of which member of the family is involved.

This all may seem positively medieval to a Western reader, but you would be amazed at how happy and satisfied we all are with our roles.  My wife is rewarded with absolute control over her house: making the home comfortable, budgeting the household expenses, buying the family's necessities, and so forth.  Most importantly, she receives the respect of her friends and family because her husband provides well for the family and is a respected member of society.  She is fulfilled in serving a man who increases the family's status and makes good choices.

My wife, though submissive, is never dishonored or shamed.  Her efforts to build me up benefit her in a dozen different ways, not the least of which is the fulfillment of her femininity.  She knows that I give equal weight to her opinions, needs and desires, but she respects my role as the decision-maker. I have proven that I make considered and wise choices.

As a man, I receive what my gender craves the most: respect and authority.  I don't waste my efforts fighting my own household, but rather can focus my efforts on advancing the family's fortunes.

Can you imagine the power I feel in this arrangement - to be a Man and completely secure in my role, and in the knowledge that my wife is completely Woman in hers.

This is my fourth marriage; the previous three were to Western women and were disastrous for a number of reasons, not the least of which is a family court system that rewards women for destroying their families.


This kind of power is not without its price.  There is a heavy responsibility that comes with having a wife who submits her power to you.  You cannot take decisions lightly and your public behavior must be exemplary at all times.  You must also discern the proper occasions to exercise your power.  Lording yourself about is one of the fastest ways to lose it.  You must also be appropriately grateful to the woman who concedes to you.

There is a reason that women seem attracted to the "bad boys".  Women desire men who are decisive, somewhat aloof and constitutionally strong.  Men are, or should be, everything a woman is not, and vice versa.  We are designed to complement each other.  That is why our bodies, our minds and our spirits fit together like a puzzle.  Together we become one.

A woman, even one who is badly trained as many Western women, will ultimately submit to a man who knows how to use his power. 

She is constitutionally made for it, just as men are made to wield power.  But Western men have not been properly trained by their fathers on how to be powerful.  We men are just as responsible for the collapse of the traditional roles as the women are.

Western men are invariably attracted to Asian women because they sense the power of real femininity.  It is the man's job to convince the woman to relinquish her power to him.  When properly done, both the man and the woman are ultimately satisfied in their roles.  When improperly done, it is disastrous and injurious to both people.

In the absence of this natural balance between the genders, we have what the Hopi Indians call koyaanisqatsi, life without balance.  Perhaps at the deepest root of the socio-economic problems in the West, is the lack of balance between men and women that is destroying our culture.  How can unbalanced people create a balanced society?

Only resuming our proper gender roles and acknowledging the natural wisdom of complimentary sexes will restore the balance. 


There is a catch, though, like all good things.  You can not bring your Asian wife back to the West.  Here, the culture supports and demands traditional roles.  Fathers train their sons and mothers train their daughters.  Once exposed to the toxic influence of Western culture, though, it takes a very strong woman to resist.  What's more, once they learn that the laws and the courts are so heavily slanted toward women, the temptation to 'cash in' is almost unbearable.  I know of several men who brought their Asian wives home, only to lose them to the forces that are tearing Western families apart.

My wife and I blended our two families.  I have two children and she has three.  There were many challenges in merging our backgrounds.  I had to assimilate into a new culture and learn a new language.  She made adjustments, as well, helping with my immigration status and learning English. 

She has modified the family's diet to include my favorite Texas fare.  However, the seas have calmed and life goes on.

And there's our mountain retirement house with the writer's shack out back to look forward to, with a woman who will actually be around to share my old age.

Bernard Grover is an independent writer/producer living in Indonesia for the past five years.  He publishes the Life on the Far Side blog and produces Radio Far Side, among other endeavors.

Comments for "American Extols Gender Roles in Indonesia "

Shirlizz said (June 18, 2013):

I find it truly remarkable that all these older Westerners crave for submissive women, who "like" (?) to serve.

It's not about liking to serve, these women like to have a comfortable life. It's a trade off.
Or maybe a deal with the devil.

These women are not more than Servants, almost prostitutes.

I can't imagine a man wants a partner who is not in an equal relationship.

Such relationships are about domination.
The chapter about "The catch" makes it crystal clear of course, that this deal only works in Asia.

If these women are taken to the USA or Europe, they will soon realize they are being oppressed.
Not something these men want of course. So keep your diamond buried in a safe place.

The Catch makes it clear that these men of course realize their "ideal" relationship is quite artificial and won't work outside of the Asia setting.

I wonder how these men can be truly happy, by being the boss in an enclosed environment.

It's like living in a gated community and keeping "evil" out...

That Mr. Grover already had 3 failed marriages is not surprising.

Robert M said (June 15, 2013):

JG echoes the thoughts I always have when reading one of these cases where a Western man has seemingly found what he was looking for with an Eastern woman. The societal situation in the West is certainly daunting, to say the least, but fleeing to exotic lands to propagate is not the solution for the West, and is just what the Powers That Be want for the West. Looking for a Herculean male leadership role and task? You face one in the West, and the future of your own people will not be served by bolting to Shangri-La.

Maria said (June 15, 2013):

I am from the Philippines and I have to say that I also enjoy being in a traditional marriage.

I'm a psychologist who works part-time. Some people criticize me for not working full time or for being too submissive to my husband. My work is rewarding, but nothing is more rewarding for me than cooking for my husband, looking after him, and making sure my house is clean for both of us.

A lot of my female friends here in Australia believe that the best way to get what you want is through being "strong" and hiding your femininity, but I honestly have done so by the opposite. I was able to reach my personal, marital and career goals by using my femininity. There's a saying: "honey catches more flies than vinegar" - its true :)

My hubby and I don't fight, we have calm discussions, and I know that the way I can ensure his happiness and faithfulness is by looking after him well, just like how he looks after me. I can't wait to quit my job when I have kids - people told me that I'm wasting my career, but that's not true. I believe my life experiences, commitment to my husband and family, and my education can help me be a great mother one day.

Cheers, and I really love your articles.

Art Granda said (June 15, 2013):

I would like to thank Mr. Grover for the article, and to Henry for making sure topics like this stay fresh. This topic, in particular, is one of my all-time favorites. Proof being this sometimes hard-headed 51 year old has been learning the Korean language, albeit slowly, since last Thanksgiving. It's quite difficult for an English speaker of fairly recent Spanish heritage, the word structure is sometimes confusing for me. It's articles like this (and my voluntary 11 year celibacy) that has convinced me that my hopefully familial future lies on the other side of the planet from Austin Texas.

I have no desire to rule over someone, nor do I want a servant … but I do very much understand the nature of 1 + 1 = 3 (the extra 1 comes from the inherent advantage that two well-matched partners achieve over the force of evil in the world, by design). Or as Bernard brilliantly states "Men are, or should be, everything a woman is not, and vice versa. We are designed to complement each other. That is why our bodies, our minds and our spirits fit together like a puzzle. Together we become one."

A woman reader said (June 15, 2013):

Bernard Grover is fooling himself. What he describes sounds like a a business relationship: he provides the money, she is his servant and sex slave.

It could also be described as "marrying for money." He alludes to this when he mentions how much "respect" she gets from the money he earns. (It may look like respect but it's more likely a combination of envy and people sucking up for favors from her.) If he were to experience devastating financial reverses, I doubt she would stay with him very long. As he said, when marriages like this come to the US, the women "cash out."

If it was a real marriage, there would be love, and the woman would want to continue the relationship. After all, she's already getting the benefit of his money by being married. Why leave and then have to fight him for his money? Because it's essentially a business relationship, and once she sees that she can get the main thing she's there for (financial security) without having to rise at 3:30 to make his breakfast every day, and sit on a cushion at his feet staying silent, she's gone.

It is also a model that will work with only a certain kind of woman. I, for example, have an IQ that is well into the genius range (based on testing by Mensa). Only one person in a thousand has my degree of intelligence.

So I need a lot of intellectual stimulation, always have. I love learning, love challenges, have strong opinions because they are backed by thousands of hours of research into the topics that interest me. Does Bernard really believe that a woman such as myself will be content just cooking and cleaning and managing a house? Those are menial chores that require no education or intelligence: unskilled labor. I would die of boredom if consigned to a life like his wife's.

Men and women are much more alike than we are different. There are differences, but Bernard Grover has taken it to a ridiculous extreme. For some truly wise advice about the male-female relationship, try the Pathwork lecture called "Man and Woman."

Dan said (June 15, 2013):

Adrian already said what I was thinking when I read this article. I also agree with JG to the extent that this is exactly the solution the NWO is pushing. Dislocation. In the advanced countries the war is on gender relations to blow young people into motion. In the tribal countries they've been blowing them into motion with 'no fly zones' (aka, bombing).

As Adrian says, the NWO is just getting around to Indonesia. The Philippines by the way was just forced to legalize abortion for the first time, and Hillary made sure they've accepted Planned Parenthood clinics all over the country, ready to go. Feminism and homosexuality will be heavy pushed till it's the new normal for them too. Nation after nation, they're forced to knuckle under to this agenda to get US aid - which they need to help pay their ever inflating interest on IMF "debt".

Anna said (June 14, 2013):

It was very disturbing to read this article. Even more disturbing were the comments applauding Mr. Grover’s words. Of course, he enjoys having the completely submissive Indonesian wife – pretty much for the same reason why the slavery was so popular for centuries. He never has to compromise, negotiate and discuss any of his choices and decisions. He has a reliable servant around the clock – how easy and convenient. Too bad he doesn’t have a partner.

Every time I read those kind of articles, glorifying the imbalanced marriages, my thoughts go to my parents and their long happy marriage. They both work in the same industry, ergo: they have similar schedules, which they always adjusted in the way that would allow at least one of them to be home everyday, so us (the kids) could have a homemade dinner and a parent at home at all times. They both cooked, cleaned and took care of us, sharing all the life responsibilities... well, most of them - my mom would always bake a cake for Sunday, while my dad would prepare the sermon, but other than that – they were always equal partners.

That doesn’t make my dad any less of a head of our household, he has always been the one leading us in the spiritual growth, but overall my parents always make the important decisions together.

They have me a great example with their love, respect and commitment to each other – I wouldn’t want to have it any other way and I’m really sorry for the people who have no idea what they’re really missing on.

Adrian replies:

Sorry to say Anna but the "equality" seeking woman who rejects gender roles and leadership is less satisfying as a companion to a man than a dog or a horse.

Al Thompson said (June 14, 2013):

This is a great article as it was timely for me. I was visiting with a recently divorced man who moved into town and I told him what I wanted in a woman:
I said: "I want one that is very intelligent."
He says: "Yeah, right.."
I said: "I want one who is emotionally stable."
He says: "Forget it."
I said: "I want a sweet little angel..."
He said: "You've got to be kidding."

She doesn't have to be a super fox, just physically appealing.

Bernard's article shows just how morally crippled our society has become and the fact that he had to go all the way to Indonesia to find a nice woman is completely outrageous. However, the power of any civilization rests in the stability of the family. Without that, it will descent into chaos. If I had it to do all over again, I would get on the next plane to any country that still has honor and respect for the family.

The United States and countries like it has plunged down to such low moral levels, that life in such a place can be quite miserable. And to see the condition of the young people is appalling. They will have no future. Any country that promotes homos is going down the drain, and will be put on the dung-pile of history. The country that promotes the family along with personal conduct that stays within the natural order, that country will survive and thrive.

JG said (June 14, 2013):

I guess I'm one of these outdated bigots that still believes man is best suited with for his own kind. Since the fall of the Tower of Babel the nations were created to be distinct from each other when God confounded the languages. Spice is a beauty of life but a racially mingled society can be disastrous. The NWO knows this and is racially "mingling" America, Canada, and Cristian Europe through illegal court ordered immigration to dissolve their heritage and identity.

What the author has found here with his Asian wife is a culture that has not yet deteriorated like the West. I know of Americans who live abroad to search for what has been lost in the West with hopes of finding it in a "less mingled" nation. And, sometimes they do but that one only works for a while because it just wasn't meant to be.

Adrian said (June 14, 2013):

I am glad Bernard Grover has found happiness in Indonesia. However, the conditions he describes will not last more than a decade or two. The Trojan horses of Hollywood and Western corporations exercise a profound and transforming influence in SE Asia and especially in Indonesia.

The politicians here exercise fake nationalism but behind they scenes roll over for most US globalist policy: war on terror, mind rotting mass media, feminism through working mothers/children with absentee parents, open doors to Corporations that sell the worst quality for the highest prices. Monsanto was caught bribing Indonesian politicians recently.

Television is full of effeminate men and many transsexuals. Indonesia is probably the most natural society remaining on the planet. Readers should pay a visit before Hollywood poisons it completely

Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at