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A Trumpet Player's Blues

October 19, 2013

trumpetplayer.jpgOne man's reality

In a letter, a reader reflects on his life, why
he is alone at 54, and why his efforts to
"wake people up" have been so fruitless. 

"I was living in an old, small, apartment building  where about 50 other people lived and heard me play everyday, sometimes for 3-4 hours. Everyone said they liked it; small potatoes, I know, but when I played I was heard, it helped me psychologically."

by "Trumpet Player"

 I am 54 and alone. I had never fully figured out why why this is until I found your articles.

original.jpg I have gone through life trying to love women and failing miserably in my attempts, for the reasons you describe. Women have rejected me for not making enough money, for not being enough of a "man" because I am kind, thoughtful and compassionate, concerned about the greater world, not just myself.

Now, at age 54 I am realizing what I've seen in front of me, everywhere, is just complete idiocy. I've always felt people need to wake up and have found very, very few who are even striving to do so.

Anyway your thoughts have put major pieces of the puzzle together. I also appreciate you use the terms God and morality without being specific as to the Bible or whatnot. I feel each individual has the ability to sense what is right and wrong and God is a very personal concept each one of us must find, not from a book but from experience.

Your work resonates with my life experience, which has not been "mainstream". I am a jazz trumpet player by the "right" of having spent 44 years of my life in small rented rooms playing my horn...I was living in an old, small, apartment building  where about 50 other people lived and heard me play, everyday sometimes for 3-4 hours. Everyone said they liked it; small potatoes, I know but when I played I was heard, it helped me psychologically.


I have gone through life trying to love women and failing miserably. I have always "married" them when I went to bed with them, so I have had 4 or 5- year "relationships" that I was so relieved to see end. All I could think was "why did I do that ?". Basically soon after "going to bed," the relationship turned into a bad marriage where I was taken for granted and abused. Meanwhile, I steadfastly tried to love the woman.

Most recently I "fell in love" with a woman in my apartment complex. I courted her every time I saw her; we had meaningful conversations. We never did anything together though and after 4 years, I broke down in front of her and told her I really loved her and wanted to "be her man" (her words, she had to get it out of me.)

dog8.jpgThen she said no, but she would still be my friend. Well, she left town. She was pretty anti-man and she liked rough, violent, mean men, judging from her last boyfriend, whom she introduced me to. The only time we did something together was when I got to walk her dog with her at the dog park. But before we went, she called her 250 lb. bull dyke lesbian friend to come along.

She was giving me a message. Anyway it was good riddance. We never "slept" together. I never "married" her and, obviously, there was no hope of a real relationship. Just another example of confused sexuality. This was in Seattle a real hotbed for confused sexuality.

All my "girlfriends" have been hyper masculine and so find me not masculine enough and have all henpecked me. At least that never worked.

Everyone has their "happy bubble" in which they are comfortable and anything that "pops" that bubble is ignored. They are all programmed for frustration and unhappiness because they cannot admit they need to trust someone. Everyone is running around proud of how thick their emotional skin is. It reminds me of a rock song saying, "What's love got to do with it?" Meaning divorce love from sex.


apathy_-_copia-423.jpgI know other good people but no one willing to open their eyes the way I do. It is bitterly disappointing to me and vexing. It looks to me like the world and America are about to fall  into tyranny. I know no one who cares enough to stay informed.

I love to write and would love to "be a writer". I find myself writing huge emails to those few people I call friends and eventually they stop writing back because I challenge them to think and they do not want to think. But it allows me the space I need to put down my thoughts and experience and feelings, which sadly means I usually end up calling my "friends" idiots.

They like to think of themselves as special and out of the ordinary and I burst their bubble merely by pointing to a few news stories and saying there are big big problems in the world right now that they should be aware of for personal survival reasons. This usually ends the conversation.


I spent six years writing "911 was a inside job" on band posters on the telephone poles. Six years !! No one really cared, in any way. I did it out in the open on a regular basis because it satisfied my need to put truth in front of people.

I also lived in a coffee shop for about four of those years, trying to make friends and talk to people, to no good effect. A year before I left I was assaulted for writing on the posters, 8 stitches to my face and $3000. I kept doing it for one more year and the cops said they would uphold my right to write as it was in their eyes political speech and the telephone poles are public space.  The cops were all Alex Jones listeners and knew who I was and agreed with me and "knew what was going on".

 I've got many many more stories. But as I write this, the thought does occur, perhaps I AM like everyone else,  just another bozo on this bus. I also recognize I must forgive myself.  My intent was and is good. My technique is, well, massively flawed. I have not done enough "networking" instead expecting people to find me. I have my excuses, it is hard when one is really dirt poor and mainly thinks about rent.

But things have changed and I am not dirt poor, for the moment.
I am living in the country on a piece of land I own due to an inheritance. I am not "rich" but for the moment do not have to work. So I have a lot of solitude.

Ironically, being in the country, I have a menacing neighbor who objects to my trumpet playing; so I have given it a rest.  My task right now is solitude and healing by being alone.

Comments for "A Trumpet Player's Blues "

Laura said (October 20, 2013):

Everything that seemed important the last 60 to 100 years will become trivial and unimportant. God will help. Not God of many rules, just the 10. No church needed. Just God, there's a direct line. If you a jazz musician, I believe all of this had a direct line, We just need to call in once in a while.

Don't give up, many people are confused, many marriage is not an option for you, I tried it for 21 years, and now I have a date with my "ex". We can find love and acceptance in various places, but these times are intended to break us; it is rooted in the financial system controlled by the Talmudists/Jesuits, and their lackeys. I live in a town that has Jesuit universities. So come get me lackeys!! I have large pit bulls willing to die for me. Maybe get a large dog; they're more loyal and not afraid to fight for you.
Thank you for your columns Henry; I read them every week.

Ask God to call in angels for you and things will improve. Do it with an earnest heart, Jazz Man, and things will turn up for you. Don't lose hope. It's happened for me multiple times, so I maintain faith now.

Rich said (October 20, 2013):

Good women don't need a lot of money to be happy. Nor do they want to pay all the bills. They want to see a good effort. They also do not like needy men. What I have found out in my 46 years, is what is most important is how you make them feel.

The hard part is finding one you can make feel good on the inside(not just in bed). Even harder is learning that not all women want to feel the same. That's why some like artists, some like working stiffs, some like mindless brutes that treat them like dirt, But most seem to like guys that can make them laugh. If she stops laughing, pack your bags!

Chris said (October 20, 2013):

my comment to Mr 'Trumpet Player' - dont dis the Bible completely - it has been seriously abused down the years - so its all to do with how you and i read it - get a King James version as its 1611 production mediates well with its 2000 year old storyline. If you open at the middle in the book of Proverbs and read a chapter (each chapter comprises approximately 30 'verses' of proverbs) i guarantee at least one will stand out for you and be meaningful.

Roman said (October 19, 2013):

You think going to bed with a woman is same as getting married? All you had was a "girlfriend"(AKA free hooker, AKA F.B.). How can you compare modern "relationships"(fornication) to marriage? You think
love is to spoil a woman and give her everything she wants? Love is saying no. Love is correction of nonsense. If you love a woman more than principles and truth you have no love.

ZZ (Poland) said (October 19, 2013):

I've got a message for your trumpet bluesman. First off: trumpet is gorgeous. I love baroque concerti played on trumpet, in a Gothic church. It lifts me up in any circumstance, so a trumpet player has a distinct advantage and a gift in my eyes.

Pls forward this to him, not to let him be bullied by the country folk. As a matter of fact, even cows understand trumpet, so he can show this to the belligerent cowboys

Head up, never let your gift go to waste!

Colm said (October 19, 2013):

Interesting point in the piece by "Trumpet Player" about masculinized feminist women preferring rough violent men. I saw a report in the British Daily Telegraph a few years ago in which a British (female) academic cited studies showing that boys in mixed sex schools feel much more pressure to conform to macho violent stereotypes than their counterparts in boys only schools.

Male pupils in single sex schools were much more likely to take an interest in non-macho subjects such as classical music and poetry, because they didn't feel the pressure of girls despising them as wimps for having such interests.

As both sexes succumb more and more to feminist brainwashing, women and girls acquire more and more of the most boorish philistine characteristics of the caricature macho man.

Who was it said "a woman can be a man but she can never be a gentleman"?

AG said (October 19, 2013):

This resonates with me on so many levels. Kudos to this man for holding the line for so long. I've given up completely trying to wake others up. I just don't care anymore. If 95% of the world wants to walk into the maelstrom with their thumbs stuck in their collective arses, well so be it. Maybe I'll hold the door open for them on their way out?

There was a brief stint recently where I was on the very precipice of caring, but due to a misunderstanding I've now returned to my senses.

The women part of this contribution resonates too, almost in phase with my own experiences. The 4 year secret love affair with the apartment neighbor mirrors my own experience, except my neighbor had a girlfriend. She showed NO interest at all ... Until I lost interest then she was all over me. I had been voluntarily celibate for 6 years at the time I met her and for the first time I was considering a change. 6 years later and still celibate. Do I care? Nope.

Hang in there man.

Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at