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A Scathing Indictment of White Knight Syndrome

October 22, 2015

are-you-a-knight-in-need.jpg
"Unfortunately this article nails it for me," 

a male reader whose life has been  
governed by WKS wrote to me. 

Men all have an instinct to protect 
and nurture a woman. But
at what point does it cross the line 
and become unhealthy? 









Understanding and Overcoming the White Knight Syndrome 

by Eduard Ezeanu
(Abridged by henrymakow.com)

The white knight.

In fairytales, he is the brave, noble, chivalrous man who comes to the rescue of the fair, helpless damsel in distress, asking nothing in return for his good deeds. In the real world, well, things are a bit more complicated.

Many men have adopted the behavior of the white knight from legends in the way they relate to women. Problem is this behavior often comes from a very dark place, and proves itself fatal for the man possessing it...


WHAT EXACTLY IS WHITE KNIGHT SYNDROME?

The White Knight Syndrome represents a strong inclination to seek women who are or appear to be in need of help (usually the more help the merrier), and on his own initiative provide that help (often no matter the sacrifice), without requesting anything in return.

Such a man is called a white knight. Not to be confused with the Dark Knight, who is a genuine badass.

With this penchant towards saving women comes a whole set of perceptions (many of them unconscious) that model the white knight's emotions and behavior. Your archetypal white knight:

   -Sees women as powerless and unable to defend or take care of themselves.
   -Sees women's problems as the result of misfortune or the cruelty of this world, never as their own fault. Women are never responsible for their troubles.
    -Considers it is men's responsibility to help women solve their problems and sees doing so as a sign of nobility.
    -Thinks a woman will forever be grateful to a man who helps her. She will praise him, love him and give herself to him.
    -Sees men in black and white: they are either good or bad, there is no middle ground, and the decisive factor is how they treat women.

There are many clichés and stereotypes in the way a white knight perceives men and women, and this perception is indeed much more descriptive of folktales than of actual reality.

The White Knight Syndrome essentially stems from two erroneous beliefs that all white knights have in common. Deep down, they believe that 1) it is imperative for them to be liked by all women and 2) they are not good enough to be liked by women as they are.

Thus, the White Knight Syndrome ensues, as sort of a coping mechanism.

The white knight craves female approval, attention and companionship, as well as sex, a romantic relationship and perhaps marriage. But he doesn't believe that he can obtain these things by just being himself, because he thinks he's not good enough.

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He believes he has to do something special to cope with this predicament. And the something special he discovered is trying to save women from their troubles. It's no wonder he is drawn to women who need saving like a fly to honey.

At some level he thinks that if he can find women who are weak and in dire need of help, and he will swiftly jump in to provide that help, he will get these women to like him and give him all that he craves from them. Without him openly asking for any of it...

Unfortunately, to the white knight's utter surprise, instead of providing him what he wants from women, his behavior mostly generates steep negative consequences.

THE PROBLEM WITH BEING A WHITE KNIGHT 


The biggest problem with being a white knight is that it doesn't work. It doesn't grant a guy the appreciation, attention, companionship, sex or relationships with women that he seeks to obtain. And this happens for several reasons.

One reason is that women oftentimes don't really need or want any help. They are capable of handling whatever challenges they encounter on their own, and keen to do it. This is true today more than ever, considering many women actually have better education, better jobs, more resilience and more social intelligence than many guys out there.

So when the white knight tries to come to the rescue, his help is rejected instead of being eagerly embraced. This frequently leaves the white knight confused, but then he'll usually figure the lady is just trying to be polite by declining his help, se he tries even harder to offer it, to the point where he becomes annoying.

Another reason is that few women are fooled by the white knight's apparent zeal to help them without any ulterior motive. They're smart enough to know he has a hidden agenda. And realizing this, they perceive the white knight as needy and insecure rather than noble and chivalrous, which aren't exactly attractive male traits. And they don't succumb to his agenda either.

Some women do embrace the white knight's aid entirely, appreciate it and also need a lot of it. They're the type with a knack for constantly getting themselves into trouble and having difficulties getting out of it. They do resemble the damsel in distress from fairytales, minus the innocence.

But even that's bad news. The trouble is that by coming to such a woman's rescue all the time, the white knight forms a toxic, codependent relationship with her. It's a relationship in which she never learns to solve her own problems and she is constantly in need of him to solve them for her, while he cannot stop rescuing her because that's the only way he knows to keep her appreciation.

In addition, even a woman who wants and appreciates a man's help won't necessarily appreciate him for eagerly offering it all the time. Sure, she likes the gesture, she likes being helped, but not necessarily the guy who performs it. Because to her as well, it shows that he's needy and desperate for her approval. So she probably won't respect him or sleep with him, but she will accept his help.

And supposing a woman really believes the white knight helps her out of pure chivalry, do you think she's gonna offer him something in return? Not likely. She feels no obligation towards him, since after all, doing a good deed seems sufficient reward for him.

That's why so many men end up empty handed when trying to be white knights...

THE WHITE KNIGHT SYNDROME CURE 

Fortunately, there is a solution for the white knight.

The solution begins with recognizing the dysfunctional patterns in his behavior and admitting to himself that his behavior is not working.
Then, the white knight needs to enrol in and commit to a personal transformation process... This process entails:

    *Seeing his strengths and improving his self-image.
     *Learning to stop idealizing women and stop seeking their approval.
    *Developing true attractive male traits such as confidence, assertiveness, ambition, social skills, sense of humor, authenticity, integrity, leadership, etc.
    *Learning to set personal boundaries, to ask for what he wants, and to say no.
     *Taking care of his needs and getting personal interests other than women.
    *Finding healthy male models to emulate and hang out with.
     *Building a rich social life for himself, which includes both men and women.

It's a process. It takes time, it requires perseverance and effective guidance, but it is well worth it. Overcoming the White Knight Syndrome means much more than becoming less accommodating and available towards women.

It means a personal transformation on the inside and outside, which will revolutionize the way you interact with women, your results with women, the way you feel about women, the way you feel about yourself, and eventually your entire life as a man.
---
Related - YouTube from MGTOW


First Comment from P:

I used to have this syndrome.
It definitely perpetuates co-dependance.
It will constantly bring the man to falling short of his expectations.
The solution is that he gets his fulfillment solely from God, and if there is to be a woman in his life, is secondary. She will appreciate this.
It is fuelled by good works=positive response, ad nauseum.




Scruples - the game of moral dillemas

Comments for "A Scathing Indictment of White Knight Syndrome"

MG said (October 24, 2015):

I think the solution to this whole male-female issue is quite simple (in theory); as long as we as men surrender our will to God and are led by the Holy Spirit in our lives we'll know which women God wants us to help, which women he wants us to start relationships with and which women he wants us to stay away from.

Of course this is easier said then done because sometimes (arguably a lot times) our flesh and minds will want to do the exact opposite of what God wants us to do but then it's up to us to decide whether we will humbly surrender to God or not and be burned by the consequences of our disobedience.


Bruno said (October 24, 2015):

As much as the analysis is penetrating and right on target as much is it delightful how stupid men can be when they look at women through their own colorful imaginings. And there goes that superior male intellect. It occurred to me that this problem is quite old too in western civilization. Whole epochs have been shaded by this subliminal distortion in various ways like the medieval chivalry when there were real knights in body armor to the period of Romanticism of the 19th century. Okay fine this is how they did it back then. The Hollywood baloney is not much different, though. But it was very unhealthy and actually quite deleterious to a good marriage relationship because most of the white knight syndrome is based on distorting illusion and wishful thinking and massive projections of an overactive imagination. It's amazing how this thing could propagate so long. Worse yet most men do not even consciously realize what's going on as if it all was a great virtue. And not a few women took solidly advantage of this male blindness. Very interesting to read, Henry. Good article.


Stephen Coleman said (October 24, 2015):

This article is another and easier way to understand codependency. A person that seeks approval from others in order to fill the void within of lack of self approval and love. It however is not just for men, women have this issue perhaps more than men do.

I am Christian and I work with many Christians and I can say that religion is a two edged sword, it also screws people up, especially what I call the "guilt religions" (ye are all sinners) and the do nothing religions (just believe and ya'll be saved).

Jesus does help people overcome, but this grace is rare and few have ever experienced it and it often entails a direct and personal manifestation of the Christ himself. Far too many Christians delude themselves that they have been saved and forgiven, but can't forgive themselves or others even if they crave it. Those aches and pains you have almost always are about lack of forgiveness and I prove it with nearly every case I work on.

Another issue is where psychology creeps into Christian teachings and many Christians fail to see this, including those that denigrate psychology. The philosophy taught by Jesus himself, is that the kingdom is already within and seek ye first the kingdom and all things shall be added is of primary importance.

We don't learn to become as Christ, its already there, but we need to get rid of whatever is obscuring his light. Whatever feelings we have that are less than Christlike weaken us now. By ignoring these feelings or thinking "I should not feel this way" and then burying it actually makes things worse in the long run. Jesus taught us to not resist evil, yet very few Christians actually understand what this means. Love and accept the sin within and it will dissipate. Thou shall love thyself and this love will overcome our weaknesses.


Helen said (October 23, 2015):

Women do this too. I have known women with decent careers who marry down- lawyers with a drug using handyman boyfriend, the social worker with an alcoholic boyfriend who won’t keep a job. There’s something very unhealthy going on here on both sides. Something with roots in basic attachment. The ladies are re-enacting some damaged relationship from childhood- I think usually the mother relationship and the men are also re-enacting a damaged relationship- probably in rebellion to a harsh and controlling mother.

White Knights are born in childhood but endorsed by custom and the woman who rescues is doing the same thing- she is a female White Knight (another term is needed here…)These men and women would be wont to get into recovery where the relationship with God and self are nurtured and developed and other relationships fall into right order.


Anon said (October 23, 2015):

create havoc not for women but for decent men. White knights are those idiots who take it upon themselves to attack other males (often physically) for some (usually spurious) breach of "gentlemanly conduct" toward a female. In an age where feminism has for years urged women to taunt and fight men and to whore around (and feminism has pretty much succeeded in this regard), white knights are a positive menace -- since a male who dares to stand up for himself when mistreated by such a female will find himself immediately outnumbered, thanks to the white knight, even when the female is completely in the wrong. White knights don't care about right or wrong. As the article says, white knights think that punching a male to whom a female objects or takes a dislike will get them into said female's favours (and underwear), but it seldom works out that way. White knights are worthless tools who -- at the end of the day -- will happily destroy another male in the hope that doing so will get them laid. It won't, though, as females tend to see through this.


David said (October 23, 2015):

The White Knight and Damsel in Distress is a myth, and drama that is played out generation after generation, of who is deserving and who is not. It is the dance of nature. It is the proving ground. It is selective breeding. Women have a thirst only a true Knight can quench. The problem these days is some men think Knighthood, self sacrifice, and leadership to be obsolete. The author of this article is obviously not a Knight, and it shows.


Bill S said (October 23, 2015):

Thank you so much for posting this article. White Knight Syndrome is taught to boys by their mothers, fathers (after all, "gotta support mom!"), teachers, church leaders and especially the media. Rejecting authority can get a boy into big trouble. I wanted to "be a success in life," so I obeyed everyone. My reward? I got "friend-zoned" all the time. Never had that certain "edginess" that flipped women's attraction switch on.

One commenter said that finding your fulfillment in God is the answer. I tried that too. Lasted for several years, but being celibate throughout one's 20s while waiting on God to bring His perfect mate to me was very frustrating. When I got out of the US Navy at 32, I was ready to settle down with a wife and build a career and family. Remembering "arranged marriages" in places like India, I decided to go that route. I simply prayed and asked God to guide me. I chose a cute Filipina and brought her to America. Biggest mistake of my life. (as you know!)

12 years and one child later, I could no longer stand her hostile, ungrateful attitude and divorced her. The faith in God had faded away by then too. The good news in this dreadful journey, however, has been the "personal transformation process" that the author alludes to. Reading the book Boundaries and acting on it was the start. Freeing myself from the source of the problem was next. Dating was clearly a losing proposition - so I stopped doing it. I spent my time on activities that made me feel good, that gave me a sense of achievement - without any reference to women.

I had to discover what made ME happy - I was so used to focusing on the happiness of others. I looked out for #1 - and did not feel guilty at all. I discovered Paul Elam, Warren Farrell, Angry Harry, Tom Leykis and thousands of men going their own way on Facebook and YouTube. i thought NCFM would be a good fit, but it wasn't. Too many white knights in there. Yes, even Men's Rights Activists can be manginas and white knights. Curmudgeons aside, this is a HUGE problem that afflicts the majority of boys and men today. Once the pain is severe enough, however, we can and do grow out it. Life is good again - and I am so happy.


Jim said (October 23, 2015):

This article made me recall what Dr. Laura Schlesinger used to say about White Knights: "When you get yourself a damsel in distress all you're going to have is a distressed damsel." It has helped me to avoid the needy types of women.


KS said (October 23, 2015):

I have to disagree with some of the comments. This is a good article. Women do not love men in anything like the way men love women. Get used to it. Stop looking for something that is not there.
I can't remember who on MGTOW authored the following quote but it goes like this-

Men love women.
Women love children.
Children love hamsters.


Tony B said (October 22, 2015):

On this one I was agreeing with Al Thompson before I even read his comment.

What a bunch of self important, self mis-diagnosis, effeminate-minded crap. Reminds me of when, living in Washington, DC, some of the poor, deluded, college destroyed, young women would get mad as red wasps at me for opening a door for them. I would generally just tell them to go back to where they came from, marry some decent guy and raise a family, as they were meant to do, for crying out loud. Made them madder yet, but I always went away with a big smile.
--

Thanks Tony

You and Al remind me of the two curmudgeons on the Muppets.

h


Guy said (October 22, 2015):

have followed your site for quite a while and always thought I had it all together. Well, I was served papers a month and a half ago so this story resonated with me.

While I do feel that I have true attractive male traits such as confidence, assertiveness, ambition, social skills, sense of humor, authenticity, integrity, leadership, etc, I do have some of the white knight syndrome traits as well.
In my case, I found a woman with 2 little girls that she was raising on her own. I sought to help and we were married a year later. The past decade has been me growing more and more unhappy as I helped and helped and got nothing in return but more bills and 2 nearly grown daughters that I fear will be miserable to every man they meet.

I am now back dating again and not sure how to find love anymore. But guys, take it from me, even a small amount of this behavior can backfire on you. It has cost me nearly 750K and now I am starting over.

Henry, keep up the good work and I will keep reading and hopefully figuring out how to work within this twisted environment.


Warren said (October 22, 2015):

It's an interesting article, but the author couldn't be more wrong. "White Knight Syndrome" falls flat on its face when you consider the other side of the coin. I tried to help a homeless girl just once in my life, only to realize she was putting on an act, lying to everyone she met (and dressing sexy) for everyone for a buck. I'm pretty sure she was raking in thousands a month by panhandling on a busy sidewalk with her two dogs. She treated it like a job, lying to people constantly all day long, and putting up with perverts and creeps all day long too. She gave me her phone number and we messaged each other a couple of times, planning a movie date, before I caught onto her game.

I still wish I could help her - she's so obsessed with money, and let's not kid ourselves, that IS at the heart of the problem. When a woman is GENUINELY in distress, she doesn't know who to trust. I even found a job for her, grooming dogs, but she didn't even call - she was only interested in the freedom that panhandling offered her. She hung out with a bunch of drug addicts and even though she didn't do drugs herself, she was a chain smoker with black teeth. Sorry Mr. Ezeanu, if you can't recognize that some women need help, you have a problem seeing the truth. Maybe you have a problem trying to be politically correct because you too are obsessed with money.


Al Thompson said (October 22, 2015):

Oy vey, I've never read such poppycock. This is complete psycho-babble that doesn't mean anything. White Knight Syndrome....Pluhease!! Leave it to psychologists to come up with something like that and then attempt to apply that to men. There are men who are polite to women. They will open the doors for them, buy dinner, go for a hike, play a round of golf, or some other activity.

Psychologists have a syndrome too: AssFasica. This is a condition where one doesn't know the difference from his brain and his rear-end and his bowels don't know which way to move. Then, it's even funnier when someone reads this stuff as says: "Oh! I had that!" Psychology is an attack upon the normal mind. This is an article where my IQ must have been lowered by at least a couple of points. Thanks for the laugh.
http://verydumbgovernment.blogspot.com/2015/08/psychology-is-junk-science.html


Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at