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Parental Alienation: A Father's Pain

April 18, 2017

par-al.jpg
Dan Abshear, left, was a pharmaceutical rep earning six figures when, in 2006, he
 became a whistleblower  and committed career suicide.   

Not only did he lose his job, but thanks to family law, his wife banished him and alienated his daughter, Hayley. As he describes below, this was the most painful loss of all. 
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(Editor's NoteI invite readers to describe how they would react if they were in Dan's shoes.  [email protected]




by Dan Abshear
(henrymakow.com) 

Never would I ever thought I would experience the severe trauma of parental alienation.

According to Wikipedia, Parental alienation is the process, and the result, of the psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent or other family members.

First of all, I raised my daughter Hayley alone the first 10 years of her life in a town west of St. Louis, Missouri where we lived.  During that time her mother wanted nothing to do with her, and that was obvious not only to myself but others as well.  So I was the primary caregiver.  During that time, I spent a lot of time with Hayley trying to be the best father I could be.  

Around the age of 10, Hayley's mother started spending time with her.  Apparently, Hayley's mother felt she could manipulate Hayley at that age.  
FALSE CHARGES

In 2009, when Hayley was 11, her mother falsely accused me of physically abusing her and as a result I lost everything and everyone really.  So I left the state and moved to Georgia.  After the false allegations, and losing everything I began writing Hayley letters.

At first Hayley responded to my letters; they seemed to give her needed peace and happiness.  And that was my intention.  In 2011, I got a bunch of money and mailed her a thousand dollars.  Hayley later told me she shared that money with her mother.

Then something happened and Hayley stopped responding to me, although I continued to hand write beautiful letters at least once a week until the year 2016.  Hayley eventually told me she did read and receive all the letters.  

In 2015, I was living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and decided to move back to Missouri to attempt to see Hayley.  There was a warrant for my arrest in Missouri for violating a restraining order so I turned myself in once I arrived in St. Louis.  Then I did 3 months in jail for that offence.
I wrote Hayley often in jail and asked that she see me in jail.  So one time Hayley did see me in jail. 

And I did not recognize her when she approached me in jail, as I had not seen Hayley in 4 years at that time.  The visit on the phone with Hayley in jail went rather well I felt.

Once released from jail, I asked Hayley to see me at my parents house.  So one evening she came to my parent's house and I spent a few hours with Hayley.  All things considered that evening went very well.  During that visit with her I learned that Hayley viewed me as violent, unstable and aggressive.  None of which is true.  This visit with Hayley was good I feel, but Hayley was distant.  At the end of that visit Hayley told me she wanted to see me on fathers day.

hailey.jpg
So I arranged to meet Hayley at a restaurant the evening of fathers day.  Once there we sat down and I got the impression that Hayley did not want to be there with me.  So at the restaurant I told Hayley to leave if she wanted to and she did in fact leave me alone in that restaurant.  That was the last time I saw Hayley, which was the summer of 2015.

Since then Hayley has not responded to my attempts to contact her through handwritten letters and email.  She has me blocked on Facebook.  Keep in mind, I did absolutely nothing to cause this behavior.

Her mother falsely accused me of abusing her because she did not like that I discovered she is a lesbian.  This parental alienation is part of her vendetta to destroy me.  She has been partially effective I'm sad to say.  

Hayley has been saturated with anger and hate so much that she will not speak with me or contact me in any way. 

I gave Hayley over 10 years of my life. At times women would cry seeing Hayley and I together wishing their own dads would of been like me. 

As a result of the separation, I have at times been suicidal and noticeably self destructive.  This life is destroying me slowly and painfully. Parental alienation cannot be prevented or treated effectively now.  Because the causes of parental alienation are truly evil.

CONCLUSION

When I saw Hayley 2 years ago I noticed immediately that the sparkle is now gone from her eyes, but her eyes are clearly not vacant.  Hayley is 19 years old now.  Hayley now seems to be completely saturated with anger and hate that I feel more than I see.  Her mother gave her these things. Hayley has adopted her mothers behaviors, which completely lack any beauty.

So now it does not seem like Hayley is really a good person.

 I grieve for a person who is still alive.  Hayley was a reason I wanted to live.  This life I created ironically has put me in a state of bleeding atrophy, apoptosis, and I feel this every day, as I experience my self-destructive patterns and I intentionally wreck myself.

No one can conceptualize this pain I feel.

Not all fathers love their children. Many fathers separated from their children by force simply give up.

Through my writing to Hayley, this compliments what I share with the world, as I attempt to illustrate a fathers love of their child with honesty while often fighting hostile forces.

At times I see loving fathers with their daughters.  They remind me of the relationship I once had with Hayley.  Viewing this gives me a unique combination of joy and pain.  I thank these men for being such great dads.

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Related-
---------Hitting Bottom: A Personal Story 


New First Comment from Stephen Coleman- 

As other respondents have reported the court system is skewed against the male. When a man is charged of abuse the constitution no longer holds, you are now guilty and must prove your innocence. You will have restraining orders placed against seeing your children without any proof required. 

CPS is notorious for going to schools and getting children out of class and spending hours interrogating them to the point that they will say anything just to get the agents to stop. This should be considered child abuse at the worst. One child told me that the interrogator was so drunk that he couldn't get out of his chair. One child said "okay, okay my father molested me, but I don't remember him doing it". This statement cost her father a year in jail awaiting trial. He lost his home, car, job... everything, though he was found innocent.

A sad development with Military families is mothers wanting a divorce will charge husbands with molesting their children. The hell these men go through lasts a lifetime. 

CPS has been infiltrated by Satanists and these people are nasty beyond belief. 

As in the article, mothers will turn their children against their fathers by incessantly railing against them. In the case of mental illness a paranoid mother can turn the children paranoid and into professional victims. The children of such relationships grow up into dysfunctional adults that will perpetuate the craziness to the next generation. 

Its such a sad situation for tens if not hundreds of thousands of men and the main cause of the growing MGTOW movement. There is little advantage to marry or have children within such a hostile state atmosphere. 

Other than kidnapping our child and fleeing to a foreign nation, a man must bear the injustice of the "justice" system and go on to build himself a new life and it's not easy especially if he has a criminal record. He likely will never find meaningful work and will have to live on the fringes of society the rest of his days. 



Scruples, the game of moral dilemmas




Comments for "Parental Alienation: A Father's Pain "

Wade said (April 20, 2017):


As a Dad twice divorced with two children evolved each time, I have first-hand experience with the totally corrupt "family court system". Follow the money and you will almost always find the truth. The truth is the adversarial system they call family court is designed to cause conflict and make money for attorneys. All at the children's expense. The real loser here and the person we should all feel sorry for is Haley. I, of course, feel sorry for her Dad and have great compassion for him, but he is still the same person he was when Haley was 10 years old. Haley has been changed and will probably never recover...sad!!

Unfortunately my advise to Haley's Dad and Dads everywhere who experience similar situations is simple...As hard as I know it is you guys must MOVE ON. You and your children have been victimized by a corrupt legal system which shut Haley's Dad out of her life in the first place.

One thing that helped me when I was going through my ordeal was that I became a CASA. I live in California and a CASA is a court appointed special advocate for abused and neglected kids. It is a wonderful program which intercedes on behalf of the children. A CASA is a volunteer (No pay) and is a sworn officer of the court.

Gentlemen please listen, your life is not over, you are the same man you have always been. You can not change what has happened, but you can be a blessing to other children in whatever manner works for you. Get active and reclaim your lives. God bless each and every one of you and your children.


Jeremy C said (April 20, 2017):

Sorry that this happened to you, Sir. It happens a lot and it is a result of divorce and separation of parents under the current system. Unfortunately, because our society is deeply brainwashed and programmed to ignore and diminish men/fathers humanity..the reality is that many of the children who are alienated have to overcome much in order to understand what has been done to their fathers. You won't get any support from the family court system or just about anywhere else. If you can hang on then hang on. I think you do whatever you can to try to cope and salvage a possible positive relationship with your alienated daughter.

Therefore I think if you can...get on your knees and seriously pray to God for mercy and help. God knows your suffering. God put a child in your life and there is no more of a greater advocate for loving fathers and family than God and Jesus Christ.
If religion is not your bag then maybe you aren't desperate enough. I don't know if humbly getting in your knees and submitting to God for help will change the situation...it is what I did when I was really down and feared my young son was being taken from me. Your situation and mine are different but that is what I would do..if you haven't done that yet. The Bible talks about "Bring all the children unto me" and reminds us that we might be blessed with having a child on this earth but we owe God thanks for all that. I made a promise to God that I would bring "my" son to Him and then things did start to work out for the better. To keep up my end of the bargain I had to learn more about God and a good appropriate way to do what I am supposed to do.

When I started searching I ended up finding Eastern Orthodox Christianity and I think it has a lot to help me and my son connect with what is right for us. I hope that helps my friend. God bless you and your daughter and may you both find the love you need.


SZ said (April 19, 2017):

His mistake was getting married with the wrong women. Most men lack the ability to see through the female masks. His second mistake was becoming a whistleblower, having a family. Another mistake was staying around the mother, while raising the child. He should have moved immediately. I sense a sort of martyr - like personality with this guy.

Dan's Reply:

You never know really if you are marrying the wrong woman. I did not discover my wife was evil until we were married for several years. As far as me blowing the whistle, I have no regrets and I'd do it again regardless if I had a family. It was my choice to stay married so I could continue to raise my daughter Hayley. I have no regrets about that either. I'm confident my daughter would have multiple issues mentally and otherwise had I not raised her when she was a child. Your assessment of my personality may be accurate.


C said (April 19, 2017):


There are two classic books dealing with the problems of the family court system and mother-headed families—by Daniel Amneus, The Garbage Generation and Back to Patriarchy. I strongly urge you to recommend these books to your readers.

Thank you for your many efforts to de-program your readers from the pernicious effects of feminism. As a Southern woman I was spared the worst effects of it, thank God. About 20 years ago my husband and children and I were living in Connecticut. There was an incident at my youngest child’s day care, and we were forced to go talk to some family court person as a result. The children were questioned separately, I was questioned separately and I was shocked at the nature of the questions. They were in effect an effort to implicate my husband with child abuse or some such charge. The whole thing was utterly fabricated. I wrote a long letter to the officials involved strongly upbraiding them for their attempt to break up our family. We left Connecticut shortly afterwards and moved to the South.

And this incident was utterly trivial! I cannot imagine what the writer of your article went through. If families do not stand together then Big Brother—Caesar—will destroy—“Divide and conquer.”


SK said (April 19, 2017):

You can feel the pain of parental alienation in Dan Abhear's article, however Dan seems to be one sided in his writing. He says he raised Hayley alone for the first ten years and her mother wanted nothing to do with her. But then her mother comes back and in one year turns Hayley against Dan. If one raises a child alone for the first ten years, the child usually becomes attached to that person. I think it would be rather difficult to make Hayley go against Dan in only one short year like that. Then he also says the mother wanted nothing to do with Hayley - and it was obvious to him and others as well. This shows he is being one sided which may mean he has an unhealthy view of the entire picture - perhaps because he is in too much pain. However, Dan really needs to rise above the pain and not let it cloud his thinking. He still has a good chance to turn this around and live a good life. If he succeeds Hayley will naturally be drawn to him. Good luck Dan. You can do it.,

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Dan replies:

Hayley was very attached to me as a child. I was her first love. But obviously parental alienation once properly implemented caused a great deal of destruction.

Hayley has gone against me severely and progressively over a period of 6 years now. The first 2 years after her mother tried to destroy me I was able to keep Hayley balanced and I was able to speak with her and interact with her.

What I said about Hayley's mother wanting nothing to do with her the first 10 years of Hayley's life is absolutely true. I cannot offer a reason why Hayley's mother essentially avoided Hayley during that time.

I'm unable to rise above this pain. I remain at times self destructive, as I at times deliberately wreck my intrinsic state.

My society is infected with damaging apathy I believe. I also believe the etiology of this apathy is often the ingestion of psychotropic drugs, taken by so many in my society now.


Diane said (April 18, 2017):

My heart aches having read your story. Stay strong and when your daughter has her own kids, and/or begins to separate from her mom's brainwashing, she will realize what happened.

Coincidentally, I was just involved in helping a neighbor Dad get some custody with his son (me and another mom helped him). I was all ready to write a heroic story for henrymakow.com, when it wound up that the judge would not reverse his DV charge, even though there was no proof. He did get some custody that he would not have otherwise had, because me and the other mom helped him all the way through and set a few traps for her to show she lied about many things in the case. The ex-you-know-what is a horrible mother, and her son is now getting in trouble at school all the time, and lying a lot just like the mother.

The court social workers now more clearly see parental alienation. Were the determining social workers in your case fully qualified for their jobs in making the decision via their credentials. If not, your case can be re-reviewed? There are loopholes.

Its so darn easy for women to game the system. Now its your daughter who will pay the ultimate price, because women do become like their mothers. I sure home your daughter will develop some insight--I really believe she will--since you reared her during the crucial years. Go on with your life and find some happiness, but know that all women do try to separate from their mothers in their late teens and early 20s. She will do so.

The best thing you can do is pull yourself together and be a strong man. All women need a strong man--if you show her your strength, its better than being a victim.
Its completely sick the way the system is set up. I am sorry you were hurt so badly.

My father committed suicide the day after my mother went to a divorce attorney (he had war orphan PTSD)--whatever you do, trust me, suicide is the worst legacy you could ever leave your child. Leave a legacy of strength and finding happiness in life. You can still be a role model.


TW said (April 18, 2017):

Dan's sad experience is a clear manifestation of what our mentally twisted society has been engineered to be.

There is very little loyalty these days even among "friends", much less in some families. People will, in a heartbeat, forget or downplay any good you've ever done and will be very quick to inflate and pay credence to rumours about the bad you've done. People are also huge hypocrites who preach tolerance until you slight them. There is no understanding, no forgiveness, and no love in Western society anymore.

With such imbecility abounding, I really don't know how we made it as far as we have or how much longer society can exist before it unravels.


Renne said (April 18, 2017):

Dan Abshear needs to quit wallowing in hopelessness, despair and self-misery and pull himself together mentally and spiritually. He cannot change the past and many things in it that he could not have controlled.

The past is sealed and he cannot reverse it. His daughter is now an adult and she makes her own decisions. She should know, however, that he loves her, and he is there for her, no matter what , but, at the same time, Dan cannot 'force' her to love and respect him.

We make decisions in life, and we pay consequences for it.

Many people go in their lives through terrible ordeals and somehow have to live through them. .Self-pity, constant living in the past, wishful thinking and self-destructive behavior are very deadly emotions which prohibit us from moving forward. One cannot change others, especially if they don't want the change, but one can change one's own view on life , oneself, and many other things. Life is too short and too uncertain to devote it to wallowing in the unfortunate past.

P.S I recommend strongly reading the book "Deadly Emotions; understand the Mind-Body -Spirit connection that can heal or destroy you.." by Don Coulbert
Excellent!!!!

https://www.amazon.com/Deadly-Emotions-Understand-Mind-Body-Spirit-Connection/dp/0785288082


Mike I said (April 18, 2017):

I, too, was a father-victim. My first marriage dissolved via infidelity on my (ex)wife's part -- she was "lonely" and my advice to get a dog fell on deaf ears apparently. Anyway, we had a beautiful baby girl together, and for the first two years of my daughter's life I was walking on clouds, blinded s much by my love for my daughter that I could not read the "signs" around me showing that all was not well in LaLaLand. The ex told me that she wasn't "in love" with me anymore and wanted a divorce. ...

In the meantime, the ex and her boyfriend decided to live an open-marriage, "swinging" lifestyle. The obviously affected my young daughter, because 18 years later I was able to contact her and find out that not only did my ex and her boyfriend tell all kinds of nasty thing to my daughter, but my beautiful daughter is now a full-fledged lesbian, man-hating SJW who also joined the marines because she likes chicks in uniform.

Ugh, what a nightmare. I don't hold any anger towards my daughter as she only knows what she has been taught, but I feel (at times) that had I had the balls to deny the divorce, or better yet have the money to defend myself, things would have turned out differently.

Instead, I moved on with my life. The first few years were the most difficult, but i have since then proven myself a capable father and an even more capable husband.

--

Thanks Mike

Your story is an example of the Communist subversion of marriage and society.

henry


Geno said (April 18, 2017):

Oh yes. This is real. Where to begin. First of all to comfort the writer, as he knows, time goes by quickly. The fact that she is 19 means the event is pretty much over. Her mother will reap the fruits of her crappy relationship on a different plane. That is a problem she deserves.

Secondly, you need to not try and sway any situation to try and heal your own hurt or emptiness. Remember birthdays with a card and a check and a note of love stating I would like to see you on occasion my door is always open. Time will allow her to slowly make a move toward you however minor.



Adrian said (April 18, 2017):

First principle - understand the legal system in the West has been engineered to empower women to break families and break men.

DON'T be broken and DON'T take the bad behaviour of your children personally. Such behaviour is derivative of a system that engenders and encourages vitriolic attack by the woman.

Move on.

The best way to do this would be to create a new family. Hint: I believe Henry Makow married with a woman from Mexico. Even better would be to settle outside of the West, where Protocols of Zion "family" law is not in place.


Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at