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Real Woman Describes Her "Arranged Marriage"

December 4, 2017

(Sexual attraction is fleeting)   

 describes her marriage as "arranged." By that, she means it was 
not motivated by sexual attraction but rather by common goals and compatibility. 
Emily loved her mother and always wanted to become a mom.
No wonder Satanists are trying to destroy gender & the nuclear family. 
Her first-grade teacher told her that a mother is not "a real thing to be." 

"Arranged marriage was not lust driven. Not driven by feelings whatsoever. It was based on wanting the same things in life and being compatible, so arranging to get married right off the bat, without ever having a dating phase."

by Emily

When I met my husband, I was not looking to marry as I did not think anyone would want a woman like me, who will most likely not have a job until children are older, if at all. (I felt somewhat ashamed at the thought of ever asking a man to make that much of a sacrifice.)

Thus, I was not looking to please someone so that made me more straightforward about what I am about. We both found that we had beliefs that were compatible; once we realized that we were both surprised. Then started talking about what we should do about it; so we both brought up marriage and discussed the soonest and the best time to get married. 

We never "dated." Our marriage was arranged. This used to be more common even within the last 100 years or so, and should not be the taboo that it now is. 

Its funny, the word "arranged marriage" is seen as an extremely oppressive and negative thing. But I believe no matter if it is arranged or not, marriage should never be planned on lust or looks and without certain things being discussed first.  Many people walk into marriage sleepwalking. People are scared of responsibility or scared to bring it up. I was scared of bringing it up but am happy I did. Arranged marriages usually mean what needs to be spoken about gets spoken about before marriage. 

It's also interesting because love used to mean a totally different thing that it does now. It used to mean sacrifice, responsibility, and be grounded in common sense. Now it means "lust" and "me me me" and a man's wicked heart leading him astray. True love is sacrificing and not selfish. 

Arranged marriage was not lust driven. Not driven by feelings whatsoever. It was based on wanting the same things in life and being compatible, so arranging to get married right off the bat, without ever having a dating phase.

It was more intentional than randomly meeting someone and somehow ending up with them because of feelings, without discussing what we wanted or what we are about. 

This is what people would have done in the past, found someone based on compatibility and got married soon after. Without all the modern ideas "romance" and trying to find someone that infatuates us and without a prolonged period of living with someone without being married, and without having a massive "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" stage or without a huge dating stage. As basically everyone used to have the idea that they would get married, so they didn't waste huge parts of their life randomly ending up in unintentional relationships with no direction or intention.

My husband thought he would not ever end up with children which he was sad about but did not dwell on. He was more sad about not finding a wife, he wanted a wife more than he wanted children, which I think is normal for a man as they do not get the same maternal urges and nurturing feelings a woman experiences.


In Grade One I distinctly remember the class being told to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up. I drew a mother with some children next to her. The teacher asked me what I drew, and I said "a mother", she told me "you can't draw a mother, that's not a real thing to be! Draw something else." 

She seemed so nasty and bitter to me... What did she mean it is not a real thing? Did she not have a mother of her own? Does she think people should be forced to be what they don't want to be?  That was the first time I had ever heard anything like that. 

I loved my mother dearly when I was six and what she did meant so much to me. My mother was always busy with the four children she had. She never did anything for herself at all apart from watch t.v after we went to bed at night. I didn't understand money was apparently so important to people that unpaid work was seen as no work at all. I did not draw anything else either. I just tried not to cry at school that moment because I felt gutted and shocked.

To me, it was just what seemed normal for a female to focus more on family life and the home my grandmothers had part-time jobs as their children had all left home, but they were mostly focused on home life and family and they took care of their husbands when they came home from work. I learned how to cook for them and how to sew. I saw how they made curtains for the house, made rugs, cushions for the lounge chairs. And added a personal touch to everything. I just looked up to the women in my family for what it meant to be a female. It was never really spoken about to me, but those are just the ideas I developed and carried with me. 

To me children are family, children are a blessing and children are continuity. Children are hard work but they bring a lot of joy and meaning to life, in the same way, any other family member does, cousins and grandparents and parents, siblings and brothers and sisters. They all help reaffirm who we ourselves are in some way and create a sense of belonging in this world. They make us feel grounded, and we make them feel grounded too. They are also a wider part of society as well. So not just my own children matter to me but all children in a society matter and ideally there should be a community connection where people care about each other. I hope that makes sense.
First Comment by Ken Adachi- "There's nothing like love between a man and a woman, and it can make every day feel like Christmas."

Everyone has the right to chart their own course, but I would never dream of marrying a woman who I was not deeply in love with and wanted to share that love for a lifetime. That's what it all about and people who want to make a lifetime decision based on practical considerations, devoid of love, and absent getting to know each other really, really well before taking the plunge may be in for a rude awakening - not too far down the road. They MAY end up living happily ever after, but you're taking a big chance by rushing into it before getting to know each other - and, above all, being in love with each other.

Love between a man and a woman: There's nothing like it and it can make every day feel like Christmas. Having kids ADDS to the joy of love between a man and his wife.  Yes, a woman needs to stay home to raise and take care of kids properly, but it still requires a loving husband-wife relationship and a loving home to welcome those kids into as they come along. Normal people don't equate lust with love. We know the difference and can still experience sexual desire towards a woman while simultaneously falling in love with her and wanting to be with her and her alone. That's how most people feel when they fall for each other and it's perfectly normal. Nope, getting married without being in love and not knowing that person well is not the course I would chart. You might wind up on the shoals. And divorce is no picnic - for you or the kids.

Scruples - the game of moral dillemas

Comments for "Real Woman Describes Her "Arranged Marriage" "

Al Thompson said (December 5, 2017):

This is a wonderful article written by Emily. I agree with it completely. I always thought that an arranged marriage was done by the parents or the relatives. This is a bit different but it is refreshing. The most important thing is the healthy relationship between the man and the woman who are considering being husband and wife. By skipping the dating scene, they have the opportunity to figure out if they are going to be compatible and share the same goals. I hope a lot of young people take this to heart and learn from this. Thanks for posting.

Tony B said (December 5, 2017):

Nice to read such a level-headed story.

Wish I had been as wise at the marrying age.

It is true that opposites attract but usually only until the glamor wears off.

Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at