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Makow Epiphany -- I am an Egotistical Person

August 13, 2019


(left, not Pat) 

The recent death of an acquaintance due to cancer made me ask, "why couldn't I have been her friend?"  Pat Xavier is her real name. This article commemorates her.

by Henry Makow PhD

Marijuana is legal in Canada. It gets me out of my ego. Last night, I had an epiphany:

 I talk the talk but I don't walk the walk. Not sure I want to. 

When I published my first collection, Cruel Hoax - Feminism and the NWO in 2007, a "Pat Xavier" from Toronto sent $20 for a copy. She was the first person to buy the book and it meant a lot to me. 

I wasn't sure whether this was a man or woman. Turns out Pat Xavier was a tiny Chinese woman in her late 70's. 

Pat got into the routine of correcting my articles -- typos and spelling mistakes etc. To thank her, I would take her out for dinner whenever I was in Toronto. Often we'd end up in a noisy Chinese restaurant on Dundas St. and I could hardly hear her. 

My spellcheck got better and she wasn't needed as often. I asked her to proofread one of my books but she haggled over the hourly rate, and I decided not to bother. I think she was sore about that for a while. 

She had had a storied life in China and Malaysia. Worked as a secretary in Montreal. Moved to Toronto. Heavily committed to traditional Catholicism. Followed the conspiracy. Kept boxes full of articles. Tried to wake up her Jewish doctors and friends without much success. Liked to attend the Jewish film festival each year.

She lived alone. Not sure if she ever married or had kids. Early on, she said in an email, "You're nobody unless somebody loves you." 

She came down with cancer. Last May, I was in Toronto and emailed asking if she were well enough to dine out.  She wasn't. I asked if she needed anything. It was a cold rainy day and I was riding a bike. I didn't really want to go to her apartment in the sticks. She said she had provisions, and she and her apartment were a mess. I would have gone had she asked. 

She was near the end of her road. It's amazing how lacking in compassion toward the aged we are considering we're all headed for that difficult place. Maybe that's the reason. 

We're all grains in the sands of time.

A few weeks later, she said she was going to the hospital. I wanted to say, I will always remember you, but did not want to diminish her hope. I haven't heard from her since and assume she died. She would have been about 87.

I wonder if she had any close friends. Is there an agency that looks after her stuff and settles the estate? We just disappear and orphan our cherished belongings.


I realize I only seek friendship with people whom I like or admire, or who like me or help me in some way.  I feel a universal love or sympathy for humanity, but don't want to engage with most individuals. I'd like a closer relationship with a few people but they don't feel the same way about me. 

My friendships are really alliances. The truth is, justified or not, most people bore me. I wish them all well but restrict myself to people with whom I have a lot in common. 

I am an egotistical person. That's why I can hold up a counter view of history. 

I contrast myself with my friend John Bilyk  who doesn't consider self-interest in his interactions with people.   He sees himself as a missionary doing God's work. He doesn't ask what he is getting back. He helps people even though he may find them boring or repulsive or ungrateful. It's his "job."

He calls his elderly dad every day and visits him 400 miles away every month even though his dad is a pain in the ass, urging him to get "a real job." 


I ask myself, "Why couldn't I have been a better friend to Pat?" 

Why couldn't I have acted the part so that this old lady would go to her death thinking she was a somebody?  She wouldn't know I was an egotistical shit head just doing his best. 

Even her death is about me. 

My Path is Truth, not Love. But maybe I'd like myself better if it were more about love.  

My beloved mother used to say, "In order to have a friend, you must be a friend." 

Jonathan Swift (1667-1745) said, "I believe it is often with religion as it is with love, which by much dissembling, at last, grows real."

Maybe we become better people by first pretending and acting the part.  

If people were smart, fun and attractive, they would be easy to love. 

And probably wouldn't need our love.


First Comment from Marcos

Your insightful article is almost a summary of Christian doctrine. Jesus said "I am the truth"...and also "apart from me you can do nothing". 

The Bible also says that our self-generated good actions are filthy rags, because of our perennial hidden agendas. We can't force our selfish selves to truly love. That's why all doctrines based on works and sacrifice eventually fail and collapse. We need to know and receive truth and then let God empower us to do something that is against our very sinful nature. Go for truth first, and God's character will flow from you as a consequence.

Scruples - the game of moral dillemas

Comments for "Makow Epiphany -- I am an Egotistical Person "

JH said (August 14, 2019):

Everyman saw himself here described.

This kind of writing, so unsparing, is Art. Capital A Art.

Don't stop telling us the truth about ourselves, Henry.

Chris K said (August 14, 2019):

"I realize I only seek friendship with people whom I like or admire, or who like me or help me in some way."

This is one of the most honest assessments I've ever heard. Friendship is often conditional, "I'll be your friend if you are nice to me" or "I'll be your friend if you give me this or do something for me."

That's not true friendship. As other commenters have pointed out, true friendship is without conditions or reciprocation. True friendship is a higher-level relationship focused around the spirit, it's beyond anything material and it can go beyond this lifetime. For this reason, there are also pre-destined aspects; maybe you had a friendship with this person in a past life, or maybe you owe this person something from the past and want to repay them. Maybe this is why we value friendship so highly.

Mark said (August 14, 2019):

I read your article about "Pat" and felt that I was writing that article; I'm the same way, feeling most people are "boring" esp after they reject my teachings about the NWO (much of it learned from you). The saving grace for me is immersing myself in the New Testament, were letting the Holy Spirit teach me to be kind, loving, attentive - even when it pains me, because the treasures you lay up in heaven are so important, not the transient treasures we pursue here in earth. Yahshua is the role model to follow. We are in an epic battle to win souls for Yahweh and to rebuke all that comes of satan, including your soul and my soul. That keeps me going, knowing that my body wants to pursue "mammon, things, feelings" but I have a higher calling that keeps me looking for opportunities to love others. like your friend Pat, and when that opportunity vanishes I feel inwardly shamed that I didn't do more to love them and lead them to Yahshua. My mother's 2nd husband who I learned was a 33rd-degree mason, recently passed away. While he was a fine and upstanding man, I inwardly knew he wasn't a Christian, yet I didn't preach the gospel to him for fear of upsetting him and his marriage to my mother and possibly resent me.

Well, he's gone now and my opportunity to lead him to the Messiah is permanently gone! What a coward I was! That experience has proved to be a real lesson for me; time is too short to worry about what others may think of me as I try to awaken them to our earthly dilemma (God vs mammon). In the end, it will be I who is judged for being a spiritual wimp; I wasn't facing crucifixion or a whipping, but simply facing the judgment of another man's opinion of me. I blew it!

Will I let it happen again? NO! I must stand tall and be a man worthy of my Lord and Savior, Yahshua. I hope this helps in some little way, Henry, because you have contributed so much to your readers with your website and books, of which I am reading Illuminati 3, and it's brilliantly written, a great book! I hope you are well and reading the gospel. The return of the Messiah is very near. May I recommend a website: It has helped me stay faithful to His message.

Wade said (August 14, 2019):

Your article today struck a chord with me. I am 75 years old and I have reached the stretch of my life and I approach the finish line. Truth to me has always been the most important thing. I wonder what my life would have been like had love been the most important thing to me. I suspect my life would've been a whole lot better. I very well may have been a whole lot better father husband son and friend.

Rony said (August 14, 2019):

The post about the Chinese lady has only further cemented my belief that lasting, unconditional friendships are extremely hard to come by, let alone keep and nourish. While fair-weather friends are more the norm than the exception, selfless, true friendships are akin to needles in a haystack.

I have throughout the years come to have several acquaintances. Be it over the course of my high school and college education or later in the many work environments I have been into. Not even a handful of them have stuck around through thick and thin – if at all.

Is it me or them - or all of us - not having been caring enough or done a good enough job of maintaining the friendships? Or is this more in line with the fact that everything is situational and nothing is (or should be) permanent – something to which we better get accustomed lest disappointments creep in time and time again?

Even those we are at some point led to believe they do resemble, mirror or complement us happen to disappear for one "trivial" reason or another. The pull of which of the following is more intense: A screaming deficit in universal, altruistic love or a rampant profusion of individualistic, self-interested penchants?

Big, unanswered questions. But do we even have to try to make sense of any of them?

In vain, unless that is intended to pave the way for finding inner peace and developing self-awareness.

Essel said (August 14, 2019):

Friendship, according to Aristotle and St. Thomas, consists of a RECIPROCAL love between two people. One cannot call oneself Pierre's friend if Pierre refuses this friendship in fact even if he says he wishes it.
True friendships are very rare, for one simple reason: the two candidates for friendship must be directed towards the same end, which can only be the true God and be taught identically how to achieve it, i.e. to share and practice the true religion.

So you can't really be a friend of someone who really loves you when you're looking for his company yourself, especially because he's interesting in some way. Even if it is only partly for that reason and that this attraction includes a part of true love. True love, of course, but one that refuses to go as far as total love, that requires forgetting oneself because one loves oneself too much and badly.

Peter S said (August 14, 2019):

You do not have to beat your head so much with “why couldn’t I’s” The fact is that we all have a chip on our shoulders and we are no better, worse of than the next fellow.

Intimacy is not something easy. You would be surprised to find that its easier to find fulfilling intimacy with one or two, (mostly one) than being friendly to all. If you are too friendly to all, there must be a problem with you.

If you are friendly to none, there still is a problem with you. I do not think that just being intimate with ourselves is being “egotistical” But then again, a little egotism could not hurt anyone. After all, the “love your neighbor as you love yourself” can only be fulfilled if you knew how to love yourself first, in order to know how to extend the same love to others.

And sometimes, the best “love” you can show many people is “respecting their privacy” That Chinese lady maybe liked you for that. It’s a tough world and a tough life.

Cheer up, you are just as a grain of sand, in the sea of life. That may be the only good thing in it. Knowing this.

G said (August 14, 2019):

We all had too many let downs, and we'll have more as we go, but we can't let them stop us from being the best person we can be, which absolutely includes loving and helping "the other" as best we can. Existentialism only goes so far and then it inevitably flows into connectedness, epiphany, and then, standing there looking at us is the other guy who has very similar dilemmas to our own.

Henry, you took a big step in admitting something you don't like about yourself. It will open a door and next time you will bring your best, which is you, just as you are: intelligent and willing to admit your shortcomings. That doesn't sound very egotistical to me. That sounds like honesty, with a desire to change for the better.

Victoria B said (August 14, 2019):

The letter you posted from John Bilyok spoke ever so sweetly to my heart of hearts. I am the disabled mother of three grown dalighters and five grandchildren and I am struggling daily to find my joy in life when my children have so completely embraced the world. How I would love to stroll in his garden and unburden my soul to him! I'm sure we would become fast friends...
May GOD Bless you and thank you for all you do,
Victoria Benjamin

JG said (August 14, 2019):

I understand this article very well.

I use to smoke marijuana myself. I loved the peace and tranquility it gave me along with all the rock music that only sounded good after smoking a joint. They were the first thing that set off an alarm. I was out of step with reality and the peace I found was just a temporary escape. Marijuana is a tranquilizer that puts you in a sedated state.

More importantly it gets in the way of interacting with people on a sober level. They're in one world and you're in another.

Also, marijuana self-absorbed me and made me focus on "self" rather than the well being of others. I had to let it go.

Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at