"Man's Best Friend" Next Feminist Target?
December 1, 2018
(Satire appeals to a higher truth)
("Bad Dog" updated from June 1, 2012)
A session of the Human Rights Tribunal of the 17th District of the Feminist Soviet of Canada is set to begin. Ms. Rutherford- Armstrong is the Prosecutor. The Judge is Madam Chegundi Tsunami, a woman of color. The Defendant is Henry Makow of Winnipeg, white male.
Rutherford-Armstrong: "Mr. Makow, at 10.25 a.m. on May 22, 2014 at the corner of Maple and Higgins, you were overheard to utter the words, "bad dog" to your pet. How do you plead?"
Makow: "Guilty with an explanation, Madame. "
Rutherford: "And what is your explanation?"
Makow: "I'm trying to teach him not to chase cats. He has pulled me off my bike more than once and broken many retractable leashes."
Rutherford: "The witness, a Ms. Termagant, reported that there was a hint of impatience in your voice. This was confirmed by a nearby CCTV. Is this true?"
Makow: "Yes, it's possible."
Rutherford: "Do you realize how damaging the words "bad dog" are to his self esteem? Demonizing him? Withdrawing affection?"
Makow: "I was just trying to train him. I wasn't angry. I still loved him."
Rutherford: "Mr. Makow, do you have any professional credentials in the field of dog training? Have you read any Feminist theorists?"
Rutherford: "Then, you wouldn't know how to train a dog, would you?"
Makow: "Well, I can figure it out. I do praise him when he obeys."
Rutherford: (shaking her head in disgust) "Your Honor, please note Makow's arrogance, typical of White Male Privilege. What makes you think the dog should obey you?"
Makow: "Well he belongs to me."
Rutherford: "How can you 'own' another living creature? Aren't you being patriarchal? Doesn't he have a right to seek self-fulfillment on his own cultural terms?"
Makow: (speechless) "He's dependent on me."
Rutherford: "Neighbours report that Makow often summons his dog by saying, "C'mon, you miserable mutt." This is psychological abuse."
Makow: "I was just kidding. It was a term of endearment."
Judge Chegundi-Tsunami - "The dog can't tell if you're kidding or not Mr.Makow. It's psychological abuse!"
Rutherford: "Your Honor, we've had other reports of Makow leaving his dog tied outside a supermarket. The dog jumps up on him when he emerges but Makow scolds him. This causes stress and confusion in the animal."
Makow: "He has sharp nails. I know he's happy to see me; I fend him off as gently as possible."
Rutherford: "But you are rejecting him, nonetheless."
Judge Chegundi-Tsunami: "That's enough facetiousness. I won't warn you again. You'll be held in contempt."
Rutherford: "Your Honor, Makow is exhibiting the abusive nature inherent in all white males. The pattern of white man-dog inequality is the paradigm for all oppression throughout history. It is the cause of imperialism. By making an example of Makow, we can end injustice once and for all."
Judge Chegundi Tsunami: "I am in complete agreement. Makow is interfering with the dog's natural instincts. The tendency of white men to oppress the weak is responsible for global warming and war, child spanking, as well as discrimination against Jews, women, homosexuals, people of color, and animals.
Mr. Makow, you'll ponder your misdeeds in jail. Thankfully, Patriarchy is dead and you are just a hoary remnant. Your kind will be extinct in a few more years and mankind can enter a very very long period of peace and harmony.
I sentence you to 30-days in jail and fine you $500 for animal abuse. Also, you must complete a six-month Anger Management Course. I hope you'll think twice before saying "bad dog" again. Your dog will be raised by professionals. Mr.Makow, do you have anything to say?"
Makow: "This isn't about protecting dogs is it? It's about training white males."
Chegundi Tsunami: "Be careful what you say, Mr. Makow. I'm warning you! Bad man! Bad man!"