"Bad Dog" - Feminists Banish Man's Best Friend
December 28, 2019
(In Memoriam, Raffi, 2003-2013)
The Human Rights Tribunal of the 17th District of the Feminist Soviet of Canada is set to begin. Ms. Rutherford- Armstrong is the Prosecutor. The Judge is Madam Chegundi Tsunami. The Defendant is Henry Makow of Winnipeg, white male.
Rutherford-Armstrong: "Mr. Makow, at 10.25 a.m. on May 22, 2019 at the corner of Maple and Higgins, you were overheard to utter the words, "bad dog" to your pet. How do you plead?"
Makow: "Guilty with an explanation, Madame. "
Rutherford: "What is your explanation?"
Makow: "I'm trying to teach him not to chase cats. He has pulled me off my bike more than once and broken many retractable leashes."
Rutherford: "The witness, a Ms. Termagant, reported that there was a hint of impatience in your voice. This was confirmed by a nearby CCTV. Is this true?"
Makow: "Yes, it's possible."
Rutherford: "Do you realize how damaging the words "bad dog" are to his self esteem? Demonizing him? Withdrawing affection?"
Makow: "I was just trying to train him. I wasn't angry. I still loved him."
Rutherford: "Mr. Makow, do you have any professional credentials in the field of dog training? Have you read any Feminist theorists?"
Rutherford (left): "Then, you wouldn't know how to train a dog, would you?"
Makow: "Well, I can figure it out. I do praise him when he obeys."
Rutherford: (shaking her head in disgust) "Your Honor, please note Makow's arrogance, typical of White Male Privilege. What makes you think the dog should obey you?"
Makow: "Well he belongs to me."
Rutherford: "How can you 'own' another living creature? Aren't you being patriarchal? Doesn't he have a right to seek self-fulfillment on his own cultural terms?"
Makow: (speechless) "He's dependent on me."
Rutherford: "Neighbours report that Makow often summons his dog by saying, "C'mon, you miserable mutt." This is psychological abuse."
Makow: "I was just kidding. It was a term of endearment."
Judge Chegundi-Tsunami (left) - "The dog can't tell if you're kidding or not Mr. Makow. It's psychological abuse!"
Rutherford: "Your Honor, we've had other reports of Makow leaving his dog tied outside a supermarket. The dog jumps up on him when he emerges but Makow scolds him. This causes stress and confusion in the animal."
Makow: "He has sharp nails. I know he's happy to see me; I fend him off as gently as possible."
Rutherford: "But you are rejecting him, nonetheless."
Judge Chegundi-Tsunami: "That's enough facetiousness. I won't warn you again. You'll be held in contempt."
Rutherford: "Your Honor, Makow is exhibiting the abusive nature inherent in all white males. The pattern of white male-dog inequality is the template for oppression worldwide. By making an example of Makow, we can end injustice forever."
Judge Chegundi-Tsunami: "I'm in agreement. Makow is interfering with the dog's natural instincts. The tendency of white men to oppress the weak is responsible for war, homophobia, sexism, antisemitism, racism, transphobia, climate change, meat-eating and child spanking.
Mr. Makow, you'll ponder your misdeeds in jail. Thankfully, patriarchy is dead and you're just a hoary remnant. Your kind soon will be extinct and mankind can embark on a very very long period of peace and harmony.
I sentence you to 30-days in jail and fine you $500 for animal abuse. Also, you must complete a six-month Anger Management Course. I hope you'll think twice before saying "bad dog" again. Your dog will be raised by professionals. Mr. Makow, do you have anything to say?"
Makow: "This isn't about protecting dogs is it? It's about training white males."
Chegundi Tsunami: "Be careful what you say, Mr. Makow. I'm warning you!