Satire -- Feminists Seize Makow's Dog
March 23, 2022
(In Memoriam, Raffi, 2003-2013)
The Human Rights Tribunal of the 17th District of the Feminist Soviet of Canada is set to begin. Ms. Rutherford- Armstrong is the Prosecutor. The Judge is Madam Chegundi Tsunami. The Defendant is Henry Makow of Winnipeg, white male.
Rutherford-Armstrong: "Mr. Makow, at 10.25 a.m. on July 20, 2021 at the corner of Main and Higgins, you were overheard to utter the words, "bad dog" to your pet. How do you plead?"
Makow: "Guilty with an explanation, Madame. "
Rutherford: "What is your explanation?"
Makow: "I'm teaching him not to chase cats. He has pulled me off my bike and broken many retractable leashes."
Rutherford: "The witness, a Ms. Termagant, reported that there was a hint of impatience in your voice.
Makow: "Yes, it's possible."
Makow: "I was just trying to train him. I wasn't angry. I still loved him."
Rutherford: "Mr. Makow, do you have any professional credentials in the field of dog training? Have you read any feminist theorists?"
Rutherford (left): "Then, you wouldn't know how to train a dog, would you?"
Makow: "Well, I can figure it out. I do praise him when he obeys."
Rutherford: (shaking her head in disgust) "Your Honor, please note Makow's arrogance, typical of White Male Privilege. What makes you think the dog should obey you?"
Makow: "Well, he belongs to me."
Rutherford: "How can you 'own' another living creature? Aren't you being patriarchal? Doesn't he have a right to seek fulfillment in his own cultural terms?"
Makow: (speechless) "He's dependent on me."
Rutherford: "Neighbours report that Makow often summons his dog by saying, "C'mon, you miserable mutt." That is psychological abuse."
Makow: "I was just kidding. It was a term of endearment."
Judge Chegundi-Tsunami (left) - "The dog can't tell if you're kidding or not, Mr. Makow.
Rutherford: "Your Honor, we've had other reports of Makow leaving his dog outside a supermarket. The dog jumps up on him when he emerges but Makow scolds him. This causes stress and confusion in the animal."
Makow: "He has sharp nails. I know he's happy to see me; I fend him off as gently as possible."
Rutherford: "But you are rejecting him, nonetheless."
Judge Chegundi-Tsunami: "That's enough facetiousness. I won't warn you again. You'll be held in contempt."
Rutherford: "Your Honor, Makow is exhibiting the abusive nature inherent in all white males. The pattern of white male-dog inequality is the template for oppression worldwide. By making an example of Makow, we can end injustice forever."
Mr. Makow, you'll ponder your misdeeds in jail. Thankfully, patriarchy is dead and you're just a hoary vestige. Your kind will be dead soon and mankind can embark on a very very very long period of peace and harmony.
I sentence you to 30-days in jail and fine you $500 for animal abuse. Also, you must complete a six-month Anger Management Course. I hope you'll think twice before saying "bad dog" again. Your dog will be raised by professionals. Mr. Makow, do you have anything to say?"
Makow: "This isn't about protecting dogs is it? It's about training white males."
Chegundi Tsunami: "Be careful what you say, Mr. Makow. I'm warning you! "Bad man! Bad man!"