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Assertion of Male Leadership Threatens Marriage

August 31, 2012

james.jpeg"My wife and I are currently separated and amidst early proceedings of possible divorce over issues I've chosen to take a stance on that certainly don't adhere to mainstream culture. I believe there's still hope for us, but we'll just have to wait and see how things pan out." 


by James

Throughout the years, feminism has painted the picture that liberation and empowerment is good for all women.

While that may be true for women involved in abusive relationships, the concept has run amok to the point where women are actually degraded and at risk.

The key to obtaining power and influence for a woman nowadays is to turn herself into a sexual revolving door in order to turn a man into a hypnotized drone with which she can do her bidding.

 Look at any mainstream female pop icon and tell me that the aim is not to obtain control by flaunting their sexuality around for all to see. Today's 'liberated' female is nothing more than a glorified prostitute.

lfl.jpegAnd if she doesn't put out, she doesn't get ahead in life. The pressure to resemble this image isn't helped at all by the rampant spread of pornography and increasingly revealing photos on magazine covers in the common grocery store. It's no wonder people in our culture can run with an idea like the Lingerie Football League and have it be a success !

The goal of feminism has been to subvert the God-given authority of men (for those who would use that authority properly and lovingly) and to replace it with this emerging image of the sexually manipulative female.

What has this all boiled down to? Women everywhere choosing careers over families, and flaunting themselves around like it's nobodies business.

Equal rights may have allowed women to be soldiers, but the collateral damage of that has decision has brought terrible repercussions on the 1/2 million women claimed to have been raped throughout the history of the US military.

The documentary "The Invisible War" outlines the hardships suffered by many of these women who I'm sure, in hindsight, would have been much happier opting to stay at home and raise a family of their own instead of fighting the war with the boys in Afghanistan.  (for the record I'll say that I'm not for banning women from the military entirely. There are many non-combat, support trades that women can perform just as well as a man, but I am absolutely FOR banning women from being infantry soldiers, and even possibly from being deployed anywhere overseas.

 Call me old fashioned, but I just believe that women belong on home soil and as close to the family home as possible. Isn't that the honorable thing to do? Men go fight for freedom, women stay home and nurture the homestead?)

As the ethics of our society continue to spiral downwards, I continually wonder to myself; what more is there left to take? Hasn't the moral fabric of our collective souls been tainted enough? Haven't we reached a tipping point where we collectively can say "OK, enough is enough; let's get back to what was working for us before, and all these bad things that keep happening should stop"?

When will our culture wake up and realize that the violence and sex we are exposed to everyday on TV and in the movie theaters and on every billboard around our cities is inherently damaging to our psyche and that we need something real and wholesome to turn towards?

When will we stand up and say "this is enough" and demand TV shows and movies that depict families consisting of 2 heterosexual parents raising their children in a loving, disciplined environment and talking out issues in a forum that is healthy for children to express themselves?

lesmom.jpegThat would be much more healthy than J-Lo's take on lesbian parenting (soon to be aired on ABC Family of all networks) wouldn't you think?

Sadly I fear the fact is that there isn't much more we can do but to raise our own kids to fear God and live in a home that upholds a Godly standard of living.

They are what is the most important thing in this world and they need to be raised knowing that their parents love each other and work through the issues that face them everyday.

I believe that the best way to teach someone to change is not to tell them that they're wrong (though there certainly is time and place for that), but to show them by example the way to live.

To encourage good, wholesome, respectful behavior and make them jealous of the positive effects it brings into your life. The best way to combat the growing effects of feminism on our culture is to raise the next generation the right way and have them be the positive force in the world they will inherit.

I'm not really up for writing the effects of feminism within my own family yet. I certainly have witnessed the affects of feminism in my own marriage (early in the marriage my wife would ask me to be more assertive and lead more; and now that I have, and have chosen to stand for things she disagrees with, she's taken the opposite stance and asked me to leave the house or she will with the kids), but now's not the time for that from me yet. Maybe down the road when I'm more rational about my own situation I can write something about that too.


Makow comment -- James, if your leadership of the family is at issue, then you have reason to consider divorce. But if the problem is a difference of opinion on issues like women in combat, perhaps it's best to just avoid discussing them and focus on the good qualities you both have. The Feminists want to break up marriages. If your marriage fails due to your opinion of feminism, well they have succeeded.

James replies:
Thanks for posting Henry. I noticed your comment at the end and I appreciate the advice. I have stewed over the paradox myself if my marriage may be being broken up over things that are petty (like my stance on females in combat). Sadly, I do not believe so. Yes, my opinions to tend to cause the odd argument every now and then, but it is more weighty issues that have caused me to eventually start crossing this bridge.

I have chosen to stop observing holidays rooted in paganism like Christmas/Easter/Halloween, etc. and no longer wish to tolerate those activities in my house (obviously I do not extend this dissension to other people's homes, even in my immediate families', but I will not stand for it in my own house). My desire to 'purify' our food and strive to purchase exclusively locally-grown, GMO/Steroid-free food as much as possible, etc. I've stopped attending our church where we met (a big issue for her) and started attending a different one which lines up with with what I believe holds a much more accurate viewpoint on observing and studying scripture (A Messianic congregation).

It's not exactly my opinions on politics/feminism that has been the driving wedge, it's been our hearts growing further and further apart on how we believe we should be walking out our faith and how our house should be run, and she wants nothing to do with changing the way things were from back when we originally met. I told her that I want to run my house how I see is most Biblically fit, and she believes I'm going overboard and doesn't want the kids being exposed to it. 

Throughout the time we've been separated (thankfully we still work together cordially and agreeably with visiting time for seeing the kids) we both think sometimes that it can still work between us, but these major, dividing issues keep on coming back up when we discuss them. It's very frustrating because we were great friends before we were married and still work well as friends now (it really makes things confusing for us to be talking about details of divorce), but we still both see these issues differently and are extremely far apart emotionally and relationally as a result.

Hopefully this provides a little more clarification. Like i said, I've taken some assertive/decisive stances like she's been asking for our entire marriage, but now she doesn't like it and has asked me to move out. We both still seem to hope that our marriage can be salvaged because we want what's best for us and for our kids, but it's about how we imagine the house fundamentally being run that has caused us to drift apart.


Scruples - the game of moral dillemas

Comments for "Assertion of Male Leadership Threatens Marriage "

Aysh said (September 3, 2012):

I disagree with some of the statements made by a couple of the women. James briefly explained his situation, not his life story. No, he didn't mention his love for his wife, did he need to? Of course we cannot expect our partners to 'change' and I didn't get the impression James wanted or expected his wife to change from the woman he met at church. It's ridiculous to think no one changes, of course we do.

Our experiences effect our views and outlook on life, we adjust our thoughts and beliefs according to new information we're exposed to. We will continue to do this throughout our lives. It can also be called wisdom! James has obviously, as husband, father, protector, discovered some truths and is very concerned for his family and wants to protect them. It's obvious he's assertive now more than ever as a result of certain frightening facts which he believes effect his family, especially the disinformation which effect his childrens future. That is what his wife has always wanted do so he's doing it. In my opinion his wife doesn't know what she wants. She asked for it, she got, now she doesn't know how to deal with it. Based on James' letter, I think she's setting a bad example for their children in so any ways. Women have always had their say and I personally have had enough of feminists and feminism.

Even those who claim not to be one sound like them. I'm a woman and i completely and utterly believe a woman can either make a man or break a man! Unfortunately too many men are broken and breaking. I can only hope James gets through it but if his wife refuses to 'join' him then he needs to divorce her otherwise he will deteriorate".

Angela said (September 2, 2012):

Reading Henry’s comment and James’ reply made such a difference to the picture. Now I see that it is James who has changed, from a man who was not assertive to a man who is domineering. Now it is time to learn the way to act dominant without being domineering. And that is not easy.

James, you cannot expect your wife to change from the woman you loved (didn’t you?) when you married her. If you treat her more respectfully and lovingly she would become much more docile.

Besides some things you are just plain wrong about. You say: “I have chosen to stop observing holidays rooted in paganism like Christmas/Easter/Halloween, etc. and no longer wish to tolerate those activities in my house.”

Not our home? And Christmas, Easter and Halloween are all Christian feasts - tarnished by commercial abuse but all able to be celebrated in a thoroughly Christian manner.

“I've stopped attending our church where we met (a big issue for her) and started attending a different one”

So you shopped for a church to suit you?

“which lines up with what I believe holds a much more accurate viewpoint on observing and studying scripture (A Messianic congregation).”

A Messianic congregation? Totally unscriptural.

“I want to run my house how I see is most Biblically fit.”

So you spend a short time studying scripture and now you can be absolutely dogmatic and your wife’s beliefs are dismissed.

“It really makes things confusing for us to be talking about details of divorce.” That’s not surprising since scripture does not allow for divorce, in your case.

I will remember you, your wife and children in my prayers.

Debra said (September 1, 2012):

As author of the article, "Thirteen Virtues of a Christian Woman", I would like to thank the author and thank Wade for his comment. Every man and woman should read then re-read his comment until the message sinks in. I hope James' wife will come to her senses and listen to her husband and to God.

Thirteen Virtues of a Christian Woman:-

Wade said (September 1, 2012):

Dear James,

May God's Spirit encourage and strengthen you.

As you are aware wives are instructed in God's Word to "adapt themselves to their own husbands".
You are not mitigating or in any way withholding the love for your wife that God would have you
feel towards her, and exhibit to her. Don't let anyone try and trap you with the all you need to do is
love her routine.

You have correctly understood the problem already. You are experiencing a marriage power struggle that is not
condoned in God's Word, but is condoned and even encouraged in many so called Christian churches.

If your wife hardens her heart, and continues on her present course, the result will be divorce. Unless you give
in, and I pray you do not do that. I admire your courage. If only your wife could realize what a rare gift a man
like you is to her and your children. Even if you divorce, I believe that your influence on your children, over the years to come, will be incredibly important for their success and well being.

Dee said (September 1, 2012):

In all you write, I see nothing about how you love the woman. Not a peep about the love between you, only about issues that "threaten your marriage". I don't believe this is about feminism. I believe this is about a lack of understanding between the two of you, and I think it's unhelpful oversimplify by hanging blame on a particular peg, instead of focusing on what's happening in your home.

You say that you changed, well into the marriage. You say that she wanted you to be more assertive, so you became so... but you became so in a way she neither expected nor can live with. It's now your way or the highway for everyone in the house, James, have you noticed? You went from a husband and father to a self-appointed ruler over others, enforcing what your wife perceives as your own dogma, on everyone else.

And it's not an issue of whether you're right or not (To my mind, you've probably made quite a few positive changes); it's that only your beliefs are to be respected in your home, and some of your beliefs make your whole family different, non-conforming, even strange to family and friends. The way I see it is that in attempting to do something healthful for your family both spiritually and healthfully, you haven't led anyone to your conclusions... you've just enforced them.

Do you really expect that a man can pull a 180 from the guy his wife married, and not hit a roadblock of major proportions? Have you forgotten that the role of the man is to support the home, not rule it with an iron fist? Or that your wife, if you honor her at all, is your partner, to be treated as an equal, even if different, just as important, just as loved, just as respected? And have you thought what it feels like for a young child to be 'different' from every other child around? Or for the mother, who cannot understand why her children have to deal with that?

It is the tenets of a good partnership that you've violated here, James, and your wife is being righteously angry that you have sprung this version of yourself on her, without allowing her a word in edgewise. You are not now the man she married: ask yourself, why would she want to stay? And how do your children cope with the outside world when they are forcibly restrained from doing what their peers do?

I am sorry to say it, James, because I don't think you will drop your newfound beliefs, there is not much hope for your family to remain together. I hope that you can come to some resolve here in the course of things, in order that everyone in your family can focus on what is left, instead of what is gone.

But don't blame feminism for this one, James: your wife's not being a feminist, she's aggrieved at the loss of her husband... and you didn't even know you'd gone anywhere.

I wish you all the best.

Anthony Migchels said (September 1, 2012):

Real sad story about the displaced man.

What is happening is that the woman is sacrificing her marriage and robbing her kids of their father and their father of his kids, because her feminist ego does not allow her to see the simple truth: that he is the head of the household and that there can be no two captains on a ship. One wants to go left, the other right. It's a recipe for disaster.

It's stupid and really sad, especially since they seem to have a good rapport. If she finds church and Christianity so important, why doesn't she take it seriously?

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Paul in Ephesians 5

It's just such a waste.

On the other hand: the man cannot force submission and cannot just leave because she's not obedient or even cooperative. It's frustrating, but he has obligations here: her wife needs his leadership, that much is clear. So do his kids. America is facing a major breakdown. They'll soon need each other more than ever. How about counseling? A good conservative pastor might talk some sense into her (and to him too)?

Can't they have a good dialogue with a little give and take? Her opinions are not that important, let her think what she wants, women have done that always, and it never changed anything. But perhaps a little horsetrading (you do this, and I'll accept that) is called for?

I feel for this man and his family. I've been dealing, unsuccessfully, with many similar issues. I wish him and his strength, wisdom, love, patience, faith and above all: good luck.

Don said (September 1, 2012):

James, All I can say on this subject is to not make points of view an issue. The bible says to love your wife as Christ loved the church. I am about to turn 65 and I have never seen a female that does not respond to love. Don't worry about who is right so much as to love her. We men don't always know how to do that very well.

I found a book when I was younger call What every women wants a man to know about women Not sure that is exact title but it told how women want men to show them love. Show her with love and she will respond by showering you with respect and she will want you to take leadership role if you will love her.

Sometimes it doesn't happen overnight but it will happen ,

Will pray for your marriage

Joe said (September 1, 2012):

All I can say to you is Good Luck!
I have personally known five couples which have divorced.
It never ends well, they all say they will be civil because of the children and so on.

Once lawyers get involved it becomes war. Lawyers are only interested in stirring up trouble, the trouble the bigger the bill.

There is rarely a short and sweet, lets stay friends divorce. Divorce is an large industry as corrupt as all large industries.
I hope everything works out for you

But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
For Adam was first formed, then Eve.
And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.

1 Timothy 2:12 to 14 KJV

God Bless

Dan said (September 1, 2012):

Whoa! A marriage threatened by a man not believing women ought to be in combat? Sorry, that's a fundamental perception and I have to side with the man. As Aristophanes observed when wrote the comedy "Lysistrata" , women have been the social bulwark against war. As everybody should know by now most wars are are top down assaults people to enrich tiny elites and propel their agendas. It's masculine to be attracted to the glamour of war and women were a natural social balance in the debate of whether a war was just or not.

Putting women in the military was done only in the latter 20th century along with putting women in 'careers' instead of raising children and making the home the sanctuary it was.

Rape of women IS a serious problem in the US military.

Judith Reisman gives a (now) rare perspective that 'liberation' of women and children is the euphemism for dismantling the customs and laws that protected women and children.

Derek said (August 31, 2012):

In response to this article I must repeat a link to a video one of your readers posted not to long ago. It features Yuri Besmenov ex KGB agent who defected in 1970 talking about the subversion of the west. I found these very fascinating and informative. Completely in line with what you write about all the time.

Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at