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A Homosexual's Quest for Self-Knowledge

April 12, 2010

arts_darkness1_392.jpg(left, a middle aged male, not Tony ) 

Homosexuality is a consequence of brokenness of soul.  I am not here to judge anyone; I am just here to state the truth.  If someone is on crutches, I can have compassion for his lot in life.  I can love him, but I cannot honestly declare him to be as well as a person not in need of crutches. I cannot and will not call unwellness, wellness.

by Tony


I am 51 years old.  I do not believe labeling is a good thing, but I think most folks would consider me to be a homosexual. With that, here is a brief telling of my story and my sense of male homosexuality. 

I always liked girls.  In fact, I still do!  And as far as I know, I lack the capacity to have romantic feelings for men.  It is a very powerful lust.  Except for one time, I have not been with a male since I was 15, but I am addicted to homosexual fantasies - absolutely addicted.  I resist often, but I cannot resist for good.  After awhile, the passion is white hot and relentless.  It is insane. 

Until I was about 40 years old, I only knew two reasons why I have the desires I do.  One, I was initiated into mutual masturbation by my best friend.  I was 12 and not ready to be sexual.  I didn't even know what gay was.  I was sleeping over at his house and he begged me to do things with him.  After many refusals, I eventually said yes. 

I couldn't believe how good it felt.  This went on for 3 years. 

From perhaps 6 months after my initial experience, I always worried that I was gay; things got more uncertain, and I suffered a sexual trauma at 19.  I was invited to be with a woman and I felt I had to give it a go or I was just giving up on my sexuality.  So I said yes.  My first major heterosexual experience was a total flop. 

From that moment on, my homosexual desires became nuclear. 

My next revelation was providential.  I was talking to my mother and she was badmouthing my father who had fairly recently left her.  I said something to her that was completely not premeditated.  I told her: 

Dad evoked virtually nothing in me, but fear. 

We were both shocked.  Just one week after this, I was at a public library and chanced upon books on homosexuality.  I came upon a book by Charles Socarides who wrote: 

No one with a healthy relationship with his father develops a homosexual pattern. 

Those two events (what I said to my mother and this quotation) were a revelation from above. 

I have also come to know:

As a baby, I cried every two hours and my mother, in exasperation, took me to the doctor.  He prescribed barbiturates.  As a result, I did not develop an adequate sense of being.  My sense of being is incomplete.  This is why when I fantasize being with a man, the man is quite like me.  In this respect, my homosexual desire is a sexualized attempt to recover my sense of being. 


My father was an highly verbally abusive, absent alcoholic.  He did not touch.  He rarely related to me.  He did not teach me how to be a boy and then a man.  As a result, I have an inadequate sense of my masculinity.  There was also trauma around my father. 

My mother terrorized me when I was little. I came to believe mom doesn't like me, and I am not good enough for her.  There was a lot of trauma around her and it left me ambivalent and fearful of the opposite sex.  I could never be afraid of gay sex, but I often suffered performance anxiety with women.  I am afraid of women. I am not good enough for women, and women don't like me. 

Mom and I are doing great now, but even she told me she was especially hard on me.  She played favorites, I was her least favorite, and I knew it and it galled me. 

I have no tangible memory of being loved as a child.  I am not saying I was not loved, I just can't think of anything. 

Unbeknownst to me, I was starving for love, aching for the filling of unmet needs, and broken due to assorted trauma.



I filled the vacuum with a sexual counterfeit, a homosexualized counterfeit.  The love vacuum would have been filled with some counterfeit, alcohol, drugs, perfectionism, whatever.  Mine was filled with homosexuality.  This is what assuaged my pain. 

The intensity of my homosexual desires is a combination of unmet healthy needs, unprocessed emotional pain (trauma), and lies believed - and all this is joined to  latent male sexuality.  It is one powerful concoction.   

I need somehow to fill my healthy unmet needs.  I need to know a mother and a father's love.  I need to know what a newborn finds when he adequately bonds.  I need to process through the trauma. 

The dilemma I face is that all my life I detached from myself and now I have to find a way to connect with myself.  Homosexuality is a detachment disorder. 

Homosexuality is a consequence of brokenness of soul.  I am not here to judge anyone; I am just here to state the truth.  If someone is on crutches, I can have compassion for his lot in life.  I can love him, but I cannot honestly declare him to be as well as a person not in need of crutches. 

I cannot and will not call unwellness, wellness. 

My homosexuality is a consequence of unwellness of soul.  I am not well, but partly through my Savior Jesus Christ, I continue to try to find a way.  Being blessed with the insights I have gained and being protected from the ravages of the gay lifestyle, indicate to me that what He has started, He will finish.

Scruples - the game of moral dillemas

Comments for "A Homosexual's Quest for Self-Knowledge "

Peter said (April 16, 2010):

The article entitled A Homosexual's Quest for Self-Knowledge, is a classic example of the devastating effect that believing lies has on a person's life. Most often, these lies are introduced and come to be believed as being true at the times that traumatic events occur. For example, in Tony's case he came to believe that he was not good enough for women and that women didn't like him. On top of that, he lacked affirmation of his masculine identity from his father who was incapable of affirming and showing love for his son.

The good news is that Tony has Jesus in his life and, therefore, he has access to complete restoration of his being through the loving hands of Jesus. Tony has already realized the lies he is believing about himself. Now he just needs to get a revelation of the truth about himself. The most powerful means of receiving that revelation is through Jesus Himself because Jesus will be able to communicate directly that Tony was made in the image of God and that God loves Him deeply. When Tony gets a revelation of how deeply God loves him, that love will fill the void created by never receiving the love he should have received from his mom and dad.

I have had great success in helping men like Tony uncover the lies they believe and receive truths they need to know through personal encounters with Jesus. This is achieved through an approach called Theophostic prayer. It's a very simple but effective approach that basically involves asking Jesus to take the person back to the memory or memories where the lies were introduced and then asking Jesus to reveal the truth. If the group is interested, I can share more details about this at one of our meetings or alternatively via e-mail.

M said (April 14, 2010):

I think it was in Love and Orgasm by Lowen where I first read that the majority of homosexuals didn't get enough love from their same sex parent and were using their sex to try to get it. I've worked in a lot of public service jobs, and there are a lot of older men (70+) who have had very interesting life stories, and who are often very happy to talk about them. Tony might consider cultivating father-son relationships with men like this, and he might even consider visiting old folks homes to find men who are interesting to talk to, who are willing to play this role for him. I wish him the very best, his life has not been easy.

Rita said (April 13, 2010):

Amazing...sad. I'm so touched by this story! Saying a little prayer for Tony. May God grant him wholeness!


from Tony

Hi Rita,

Your note caused me to break down and cry (just a little!). You and your post have become a metaphor for me. You represent all folks who have read my story and empathize with me (whether silent reader or no).

So far as I know, one of the deepest yearnings of my soul is, Please understand me! Because of some respect for proper boundaries, I walk about life knowing so many people really do not (and cannot) understand me - and that hurts sometimes. Even people that know of my desires often don't really have a clue. An obvious example is, What's wrong with you? Why don't you just find a nice boy friend already?!!

Rita and anyone else out there:

Thank you for taking the time to understand me.

T said (April 13, 2010):

henry that was a fabulous article on homosexuality, i used to have to counsel the sexually dysfunctional
and this said it all.
we have seen the child abuse in catholicism, homosexuality in the C of E and i am waiting to read of the homosexual takeover of spiritualism

James said (April 13, 2010):

My experience was/is very similar to "Tony's", however it seems he has replaced one crutch, homosexuality, with another, Christianity. No doubt his replacement crutch offers a healthier lifestyle than his former crutch, but a crutch is still a crutch. Speaking for myself, the "cure" for self-loathing is not the love of another, whether the "other" is a man, a woman, or an intangible sky-god, but unconditional self-love. We cannot love, accept, and make peace with others until we first learn to love, accept, and make peace with ourselves. Replacing a fearful, abusive absentee "earthly" father with an absentee "heavenly" father threatening punishment for non-compliance is not much of an improvement.

Tony's reply:

James, I will grant you that God often seems highly intangible and that is sometimes a frustration for me. I also believe that irrespective of my walk with God, healing comes via a communion of people as well as one's communion with himself. However, it is an assumption that healing must be a strict "either-or" and that is an assumption I do not make.

Regardless, the God that I walk with does not threaten me with punishment for non-compliance. I know a different God than that.

John said (April 13, 2010):

Tony's essay was very powerful, It brings an incite to a variety of things that maybe wrong with the male species in America today with all the porn, broken relationships, and anxiety problems with women. please tell Tony thank you for his Honesty.

Tony replies:

You are very welcome!

I hope, among other things, this summary sketch of my story causes some folks to probe a little bit deeper than the outward act and desire and to consider the idea that sometimes the real issues lie at a deeper level.

I also hope people can see a third option - something other than the normalization of homosexuality and After all, the issue is so personal with me so that while I cannot normalize homosexuality (call unwellness, wellness), I have so much compassion for homosexuals, irrespective of their personal choices.

Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at