A Homosexual's Quest for Self-Knowledge
April 12, 2010
Homosexuality is a consequence of brokenness of soul. I am not here to judge anyone; I am just here to state the truth. If someone is on crutches, I can have compassion for his lot in life. I can love him, but I cannot honestly declare him to be as well as a person not in need of crutches. I cannot and will not call unwellness, wellness.
I am 51 years old. I do not believe labeling is a good
thing, but I think most folks would consider me
to be a homosexual. With that, here is a brief telling
of my story and my sense of male homosexuality.
I always liked girls. In fact,
I still do! And as far as I know, I lack the capacity to have
romantic feelings for men. It is a very powerful lust. Except
for one time, I have not been with a male since I was 15, but I am
to homosexual fantasies - absolutely addicted.
I resist often, but I cannot resist for good. After awhile, the
passion is white hot and relentless. It is insane.
Until I was about 40 years old, I only
knew two reasons why I have the desires I do. One, I was initiated
into mutual masturbation by my best friend. I was 12 and not ready
to be sexual. I didn't even know what gay was. I was sleeping
over at his house and he begged me to do things with him. After
many refusals, I eventually said yes.
I couldn't believe how good it felt.
This went on for 3 years.
From perhaps 6 months after my initial
experience, I always worried that I was gay; things got more uncertain,
and I suffered a sexual trauma at 19. I was invited to be with
a woman and I felt I had to give it a go or I was just giving up on
my sexuality. So I said yes. My first major heterosexual
experience was a total flop.
From that moment on, my homosexual
desires became nuclear.
My next revelation was providential.
I was talking to my mother and she was badmouthing my father who had
fairly recently left her. I said something to her that was completely
not premeditated. I told her:
Dad evoked virtually nothing in
me, but fear.
We were both shocked. Just one
week after this, I was at a public library and chanced upon books on
homosexuality. I came upon a book by Charles Socarides who wrote:
No one with a healthy relationship
with his father develops a homosexual pattern.
Those two events (what
I said to my mother and this quotation) were a revelation from
also come to know:
As a baby, I cried every two hours and
my mother, in exasperation, took me to the doctor. He prescribed
barbiturates. As a result, I did not develop an adequate
sense of being. My sense of being is incomplete. This is
why when I fantasize being with a man, the man is quite like me.
In this respect, my homosexual desire is a sexualized attempt to recover
my sense of being.
My father was an highly verbally
absent alcoholic. He did not touch. He rarely related to
me. He did not teach me how to be a boy and then a man.
As a result, I have an inadequate sense of my masculinity. There
was also trauma around my father.
My mother terrorized me when I was
little. I came to believe mom doesn't like me, and
I am not good enough for her. There was a lot of trauma around
her and it left me ambivalent and fearful of the opposite sex.
I could never be afraid of gay sex, but I often suffered performance
with women. I am afraid of women. I am not good enough for women,
and women don't like me.
Mom and I are doing great now, but
even she told me she was especially hard on me. She played favorites,
I was her least favorite, and I knew it and it galled me.
I have no tangible memory of being
loved as a child. I am not saying I was not loved, I just can't
think of anything.
Unbeknownst to me, I was starving for love, aching for the
filling of unmet needs, and broken due to assorted trauma.
FILLING THE VACUUM
I filled the vacuum with a sexual counterfeit,
a homosexualized counterfeit. The love vacuum would have been filled with some counterfeit, alcohol, drugs,
perfectionism, whatever. Mine was filled with homosexuality.
This is what assuaged my pain.
The intensity of my homosexual desires
is a combination of unmet healthy needs, unprocessed emotional pain (trauma), and lies believed - and all this is joined to latent male sexuality. It is one powerful concoction.
I need somehow to fill my
healthy unmet needs. I need to know a mother and a father's
love. I need to know what a newborn finds when he adequately bonds.
I need to process through the trauma.
The dilemma I face is that all my life I detached from myself and now I have to find a way to connect with myself.
is a detachment disorder.
Homosexuality is a consequence of brokenness of soul.
I am not here to judge anyone; I am just here to state the truth.
If someone is on crutches, I can have compassion for his lot in life.
I can love him, but I cannot honestly declare him to be as well as a
person not in need of crutches.
I cannot and will not call unwellness, wellness.My homosexuality is a consequence of unwellness of soul. I am not well, but partly through my Savior Jesus Christ, I continue to try to find a way. Being blessed with the insights I have gained and being protected from the ravages of the gay lifestyle, indicate to me that what He has started, He will finish.