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I Married a Lesbian

May 24, 2011

lesbian.jpgLeft, extremely rare and hard-to-find image of lesbians who aren't extremely hot.

Regular contributor Dan Abshear looks back on his 20-year-marriage to a lesbian.

by Dan Abshear

While being married to a lesbian for 20 years was painful, it actually made me a better person.

I met my ex-wife when I was about 14 years old.  We grew up in the same small town in Missouri.  She and I are 4th cousins as well.

She took an interest in me when I was 21 years old.  She called me when I was home on leave while serving in the U.S. Navy.  This was the first time I ever had any girl call me for a date.  Because of this, I canceled a date I had another girl. We got married three years or so after this first date.

Coming from a rather abusive and broken family myself, I was determined to have a very moral and meaningful marriage with my wife.

My marriage is called a mixed orientation marriage, and millions exist in the United States alone.  Most are unknowingly married to homosexual men, and the rest of us are or were married to homosexual women.

I mean, think about it:  How do you really know about the sexual orientation of your spouse?  Not all of us have gay-dar that is sharp enough to detect such a deception.

However, one thing that should be obvious to any man in my situation is that your spouse is unresponsive to you, sexually and otherwise.  As such, I found myself trying to discover why.  Her being a lesbian was the furthest thing from my mind, at least during the first few years of our marriage.  So I immediately starting asking myself, 'why is my wife, who I loved so much, ignoring me?

Initially, I thought my wife was not attracted to me, physically.  She was sexually impotent with me, and this puzzled me.  So, I began to exercise very aggressively and intensely.  This would include such activities as weightlifting and long distance bicycling. 

While rather puny when I got married, I developed into quite a attractive and sturdy young man. This was all to please my wife and gain her affection.  I improved my diet and continued these exercise habits until the age of 40.

Since this didn't increase her intimacy toward me, I began to wonder if she wanted me to make more money.  The first six or so years of our marriage, I barely made more than minimum wage.  We were very poor, and in debt. 

So, I somehow became a corporate executive with one of the largest and most respected pharmaceutical corporations in the world.  Soon after this, my lesbian spouse and I were set, financially.  Unfortunately, this was not the answer to her lack of affection towards me, either. 

My last hope at discovering why my lesbian spouse was so apathetic was that I was not treating her the way I should.  Now, I was a patient caregiver for about a dozen years- I always thought I was one of the nicest and caring individuals that existed.

But, I was determined to discover why my wife was so emotionally vacant.  So, I tried to become a more gentle and effective lover with her.  In addition, I tried very hard to assure her of my own love.

I'd kiss her, and really mean it, with my love for her.  I'd be very polite with her always- a gentleman constantly.  Unfortunately, this transformation did not alter her behavior towards me.

In the years that followed, I noticed my wife taking what I view as an unusual interest in other women.  In fact, I would classify her relationships with some other women as intimate. To this day, I do not know if my wife had sexual relationships with those women. 

So the year is now 2003, and my wife has yet to acknowledge her homosexual tendencies.  We are raising our daughter at this point, so her behavior towards other women was becoming even more of a concern.  I insisted that she seek professional help.

She only saw a psychiatrist and therapist a few times.  She never confided in me so I visited the same psychiatrist. He told me that my wife was in fact a lesbian, and that it would destroy me in time if I did not divorce her.

It is now the year 2005.  At this point, I was not really shocked. By 2006, I had given up on our relationship.  Rather than act , I just shut down almost completely.  My career ended, and I stopped exercising.

Interestingly, our sex life actually improved a great deal. It appears that my knowing she was a lesbian may have given her some freedom.    

I suffered from severe depression and took refuge in prescription drugs. My wife finally ended our marriage - and she did so by falsely accusing me of domestic violence.

When you love something, or someone, you will discover their secrets.

My now ex wife never hated me for anything I ever did to her.  In fact, I was a damn good husband and father.  She hates me to this day for what I know about her.  And my ex wife has yet to disclose to anyone that she is a lesbian.  She continues to live this lie.

My ex wife presently has a boyfriend in order to continue the concealment.  It's likely that's why she married me in the first place.  I do not know this boyfriend but I already feel the pain that he may experience.

Today, I'm in a relationship with another woman, who immediately gave me what my wife of decades never did- love and intimacy that can be felt and heard. 

Also today, I'm recovering from drug abuse, and the many years of  emotional abuse from my ex wife.  I will recover.  I will mend.

Also by Dan Abshear

Living in a Car After False DV Charges

MD$ On the Take: My Career-Ending Expose

Hitting Bottom: A Personal Story   

Scruples - the game of moral dillemas

Comments for "I Married a Lesbian "

Dan said (May 25, 2011):

Dan Abshear wrote,

"It is now the year 2005. At this point, I was not really shocked. By 2006, I had given up on our relationship. Rather than act , I just shut down almost completely. My career ended, and I stopped exercising."

What man can't relate some episode in their own history to that confession. In one of his routines Lenny Bruce said "Every guy, even President Kennedy, has some chick back there that really busted up his ass...."

I still know single men my age who can't imagine doing without some woman in their life. Somewhere during 2009 that need simply left me, and during the next two years my self identity hasn't missed the old sense of feeling of being less than 'whole'. You, Henry, have been a significant guide to that accomplishment, for pointing out key errors in my perception about it at critical times.

During the last two weeks on separate occasions I spoke with two men a bit younger than me, one 50 the other 53. Both expressed their current 'quest' for a woman. Now I have the eyes to see that at the bottom of their interest, is sex - I look into it even closer, and see beneath that essentially sex for them is a re-affirmation of potency.

As I know church people now also, I know men who married young for life and their marriages are solid as bedrock. For them, I sense sex never was any kind of "proof" of their own potency to them. I won't pretend to understand their sexual union with their wives, since I was a bad apple like these other two fellows that I mentioned - I fell into the "Playboy Philosophy" conditioning.

A man that can't feel content to go to bed alone isn't prepared in the art of dying. Every one of us will face our own passing from this life someday. The carnal body is just a material thing we occupy in this life.

Marcos said (May 25, 2011):

One thing every man should know is that you never, never satisfy a woman by appeasement.
When you are a reasonable good man, and still the woman treats you badly, the problem is not with you, it is with her.

As Americans say, she is sh*t testing you, to check if you are really worth her relinquishing sexually to you. The answer is to show strength and dominance, and never the contrary, trying to please her, to be "nice" which is what most men do. This will only make the woman despise your weakness even more. Eventually, she will betray you with the jerk next door.

Understand that this unconscious, biological. Women need to be certain that they've got the best men her looks can "buy". If she feels irritated, frustrated around you (and still you are a good guy), she has doubts about her choice. When you assert your dominance, those doubts are gone. As Henry says, women need to relinquish power to the man, but only to those she admires. Women are hypergamous, i.e., they always go for the alpha male, for the powerful man. You must assure that you are this man.

This simple concept could change the lives of 90% of sad men around us. Once again, see

Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at