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Dumping My Dream Girl

February 8, 2011


I had just seen the movie, "The Gingerbread Man." The girl in my dream looked like actress Embeth Davidtz (left.)

by Henry Makow Ph.D. 

I am proud of a dream I recently had.

I was young again and single. My beautiful girlfriend and I were shopping. I suggested we go back to my apartment. I was feeling loving and wanted to hang out and cuddle. Just be happy together. Sex wasn't an issue.

Shortly after arriving, she says she has to leave.

Thwarted in love. Again.

In the dream, I press her for an explanation. She doesn't have one.

She doesn't want to be with me. I grant her wish. I tell her I'm not interested in games. We're finished. The End. 

I wake up and am pleased by my subconscious action.

You see, when I was young, I endured all kinds of misery from my infatuations, patiently overcoming each obstacle thrown in my way. I was the poster child for "needy."

In one instance, a woman who looked like Embeth (above) said she found me "repulsive."  If ever there was a cue to tell a woman to f**k off and get out, this was it.

Instead, I ignored the comment and patiently persevered. We ended up living together for almost five years. I could fill another book  (in addition to "A Long Way to Go for a Date")
with what I endured. Obviously, I was immature and largely responsible for my fate.

I'm 61 now and no longer a player. I've been happily married for ten years.
I only wish I had awakened from this dream sooner.


We talk about being "programmed" by the mass media. Men are receiving the biggest programming of all: the notion that sex and "love" are the key to happiness. We need a woman's love to develop as men. We need to  sexually satisfy a woman to prove our masculinity.

We are programmed to seek feminine approval when our own approval is all that matters.

This programming is intensifying. Every time I watch TV, I see dominant women paired with feminized men who are trying to impress the women.

Anyway, I've been there, done that. I have satisfied a few women countless times and I have been satisfied as well. I've matured in the prescribed way.

But I wish I had found a shortcut and downgraded the role of women and sex to its real level of importance,
say from 75% to 20%.

I wish I hadn't loved them. Looking back, none was worth it.  I have wasted half my life

Young women are not all that. They are presented as demi-gods by our mental programmers. The mystification of beautiful women, like everything else, is the result of removing God from our lives. As Oscar Wilde said, "women are sphinxes without secrets."

Women are intended to be helpmates, not soul mates. If you can find a soul mate, I salute you.    

I'm the biggest defender of heterosexuality,  marriage and family. I assume others are more adept than I have been.


Am I bitter?  Yes. I am bitter for all the ways my culture has lied to me. Here, I blame Illuminist brainwashing that elevates sexual "relationships" to the negation of everything else. And I blame myself for falling for this garbage.   

The average man spends 75% of his energy on it. Many men are ruined by divorce.  What if men spent this energy elsewhere? On our work? Our Enlightenment? Our music, hobbies or sports? Our politics?

The social pressure to conform, to seek "a relationship" is overwhelming, (which proves what I am saying.)

Perhaps the real take-away is this:

Men should never look to women to give them self-confidence. If I had had more self-respect when I was younger, and behaved accordingly, perhaps I would have awakened from this sleep much earlier.


Comments for "Dumping My Dream Girl "

Shelley said (February 11, 2011):

n a nutshell, it seems you feel you wasted your time putting women on a pedestal when you think you should have focused on becoming more of a man; someone who didn't need another to complete him, sexually, emotionally or spiritually. The second part is valid. The first part just needs to be tweaked in my opinion. Good women should be on a pedestal and should be respected if they live by high moral standards; are respectful, caring and giving. If she takes good care of herself and is well groomed (but not conceited), this is a sign she will take care of her partner as well. (I think of the stereotypical Italian woman when I write this. She is someone who is incredibly attractive because she cares how she presents herself to her husband, nurtures her husband and family, grows old gracefully with dignity and is still embraced as the heart of the home in her final years. Her children, and especially her sons place her on a pedestal of respect.)

A man who holds such a woman in the highest regard wouldn't have to fear she would set out to destroy him because her focus would be to help to nurture all of his strengths. I would hope such a woman would seek an equally good man and hold him also, in the highest regard. I think where some go wrong is turning respect into worship and once that occurs, elements such as sex can displace respect as the priority and destroy the longevity of the relationship. That said, I truly think there are physical cues we seek in others that are programmed from an early age and help us find our best genetic match.

Michael said (February 11, 2011):

I made that same mistake with my ex-girlfriend, I left everything behind to chase after her, to "fall at her feet" and worship. She was physically one of the prettiest, but she had the
coldest heart, like a spider. I thought I could soften her heart, it just backfired. We were together for 2 years; in the process I got my
soul, my masculinity and my strength stripped from me.

A man cannot make a woman his journey, he will lose his soul. He needs a grand journey which doesn't centre around a woman, he will stumble over the right one as he lives out his purpose. That day we broke up I felt so free and so strong, it was like a veil fell from my eyes and I could see again. I could push towards a higher purpose. I can liken the higher purpose to climbing a mountain, you need to reach the peak; yet you don't even start climbing, because you'd rather go be with that pretty girl in the village. So a few years later you'r still with her, sitting on the porch feeling bored and empty, beer and sports has become you'r everything. It's because you made her you'r "higher purpose". Whereas you can choose to climb that mountain with the peak in focus, along the way you'l find a girl who's climbing too, she is
the one to befriend. At the end you'l sit with her, on the mountain peak, knowing you did your duty. I've learned that life is in part a
bundle of choices with a bundle of consequences; the earlier one learns which choices bring forth which consequences, the better. If a
man has no purpose to spend his testosterone on, he will chase after girls; that's the next best thing, but it leaves you empty.

Jon 1 said (February 10, 2011):

Given the state of easy sex and social media today, I think about the points you make in your article and think, Marriage and long term relationships are a thing of the past. Kids today and the under 35 crowd, just do "hook ups", and have "friends with benefits", (more sex with no strings). I think the idealist women (and men) from the past have given way to the high pressure realist world of work work work. Who has time for "family" anymore. Or real "effort" in a relationship. Families have been destroyed so kids learn they need to forget about the white picket fences in the meadow with the 2 kids and prince charming. Families that do have kids are working too hard to give Jr a "new" car, computer, x box or playstation, and save for a college eduction. Instead of making them go out and work for it. Guys have been so screwed by feminist judges in the courts during divorces that marriage has become a dirty word. The women out there have a serious conflict, the idealist world, between their biological drive to have kids and a family and the realist world of work and career that social programming and basic economics have trapped everyone in . But your point in your article about lovers with no self respect is common even today. I see pretty young girls with dubious guys that are either their drug dealers or their puppet master, or their future "anger management counselors". . Then I see way (fewer) guys that are infatuated with the dream girl you wrote about. I was told about 10 years ago by a friend after we went to a local watering hole (bar) "there had to be something really wrong with you if you did not have sex with a girl on a first date". With a "challenge" like that who would "invest" in any relationship ? The place was packed with lots of "opportunity". Later he pulled out a stack of photos to prove his adventures. I was kind of in shock but not really. My friend is only10 years younger than me. I am almost married 20 years to a wonderful girl and can say I would do it again but like todays folks that are getting married later in life, I might have waited a bit and not let the impatience of youth rush me.

Jon part 2 said (February 10, 2011):

The other factor with women and men to a greater degree is the poisoning of the food supply. Womens hormones are all out of whack seemingly all the time and while this has been a normal biological roller coaster for us 'hormone hostages" The food supply has damaged peoples livers and thyroids. Between the Soy and Gluten overload / allergies they have been able to make a lot of people unhealthy and miserable slowly and covertly. This directly contributes to the relationship problems so many of us experience. What these organs do to a person when they are out of balance is the subject of an entire health article but I will sum it up here. They become a different person ! The thryoid controls how well and how fast all of your other body process work. A slow or low thryoid will make one depressed, tired, moody, can even cause death in some cases. Your liver as everyone knows is a filter. Its job is to remove toxins and also HORMONES from your blood stream. Take our women friends and wives. Their hormones ebb and flow like the tides.

However what do you think the result of a woman who had all those (emotional) hormones added and added and added to their blood that time of the month and then the liver because it was damaged, tired, unable, did not did not remove, remove, remove those hormones ? You already know the answer. You are living with a monster. You will be able to do nothing right. Horrible insults will relentlessly come from her oral cavity and you generally will live a horrible co existence, until you either 1. fix the root problem, 2. Dope her up with prozac (common remedy) or 3. Remove yourself from her company, (divorce, separation, break-up). That is the truth. My story has a somewhat happy ending in that my relationship did not require divorce to get back on track. However it took half dozen visits to different doctors until I found a doctor schooled in natural medicine who spent time figuring out the problem and not just wanting to put a band aid on symptoms ! .

Short story, avoid soy and gluten and your body can recover, slowly of course. I will admit when I heard the diagnosis I was extremely skeptical but once her symptoms abated and I got my girl back I was a believer. Grandma was right, it had to be fresh and it had to be from the garden, or farmers market. We always teased her about that but she lived to be a healthy 95 and she was having the last laugh.... All in all you can suggest certain things to people but most disregard it because they got if for free and did not have to pay anything for it. Life's lessons. Oh what fun....

Kurtis said (February 9, 2011):

I think that you're missing the main point of life.

We are here to perpetuate the species.

Nothing else matters, accept as it supports this main point in life.

We fill the non-procreative hours with fluff. But, somehow, we have to give it meaning.

So, we invent meaning.

I fear that the meaning you have invented for yourself is more a reaction to *your* prior reactions to societal pressure than it is a pure, freely formed meaning.

It's OK to be confused. But I feel, from reading your words, that you are simply running down a different Rabbit Hole.

I have a lot of the same experiences that you do.

And I have found my soul mate. And I want her on all levels: intellectual, spiritual, moral, sexual and ordinary life.

I suggest that you are mistaking this point in your life journey to be your destination.

If you live to be 122 years old, will you simply look back on the journey up to this day in the same way you are looking back now?

Leslie said (February 9, 2011):

As a woman, I too have suffered the degradations and rejection of men and could have spent my youth pursuing my dreams instead of trying to please unpleased-able men and wasting my youth on them.
The bitterness goes both ways. They treated me bad because I am plain and not “hot”—and yes I am thin. Why do old fat men go after hot women? Why are they still so shallow? When I treated men well, they threw it back in my face. Can’t win.

Mike said (February 9, 2011):

Great piece. I, for one, have also been sucked into the grinder of believing I had to have validation from a woman for me to validate my manhood. For too many years, whether it is GQ Magazine, sitcoms, radio...EVERYWHERE, men havn't been allowed to be men to the point that we wouldn't recognize it if it slapped us.

I agree with you in that we are to have a "help-meet" rather than a "soul-mate" in that God knows a mans real need and the other is pure emotion that changes with the wind.

Thomas said (February 9, 2011):

have been reading your columns for some time now. The article "Dumping My Dream Girl". It certainly has given me some things to ponder like quit chasing hot women and seeking their approval. I am sure it has something to do with the approval I never got from my mom and still don't get. I have a degree in psychology, but that certainly is more illuminati brainwashing on some level. We need to be secure and happy within ourselves as men. Hopefully, the rest will fall into place

Ben said (February 9, 2011):

That was one of your best articles. I like how your writing is always candid. It's hard not to be bitter when you understand the macrocosm. This is what I had to say on my facebook today: 'The frivolous, superficial drones that have been taught to conflate love with money and status can stick 'Valentine's Day' - and its putrid milieu of materialism, false entitlement and superfluity - so far up their arses that they'll have to spit plastic roses to talk. This man won't be ripped-off again.' I think even 25% is giving it too much credit.

Marcos said (February 9, 2011):

It seems you have become an alpha male at last !
Life as a man is hard and dry: we can't cry, we must battle the world for a place, we face competition. Our curse is to win our bread with the sweat of our brows. For sensitive and intelligent boys, fantasy is the only way out, and there is no better fantasy than romantic love with a beautiful girl. This has been around since Goethe's "Sorrows of Young Werther" and even before.

Unfortunately, women are hard wired to be turned off by needy, clinging or too sensitive men. They like independent, self assured and strong men. They will test the man over and over, and he must stand his ground. Even a good, conservative woman will cool her affections if she senses neediness. She may not leave you, but she will be turned off. Taken to the extreme, we see cases of women who love jerks and even criminals. Their minds tell them something, but their guts (sexual attraction) tell them another.

Some guys, the "pick-up artists" (see have learned this psychological strategy and are "pumping and dumping" women, passing through their feminist defenses and aiming at the core of their femininity. It works. Unfortunately, the end result is that these cynical men won't marry or have children. However, I believe that the strategy works and is critical even for married men in order to keep their spouses happy.

Romantic love is an impossibility because of women's psychology. Had Romeo and Juliet lived, maybe we could have seen her cheating on Romeo for a more independent, self assured guy. Have you ever seen a romantic female poet?

Men's psychology doesn't help either: the best spouses are the best friends, but men are seldom sexually attracted to the homely, down to earth women who would make the best partners. It is a shame.

Isn't ironic that even Goethe renounced his romantic work at the end of his life.

Dan said (February 8, 2011):

Exposing past follies is our gift to the young. If the article hits closer to home than most young male readers would admit, maybe they'll learn something.

Tom said (February 8, 2011):

The dream you had captures the essence of modern heterosexuality. The male is like a dog chasing his own tail, wasting so much time, energy and heartache on the promise of high romance, ecstatic sex and the perfect union with a woman. It is like all satanic promises; an illusion.

Even though I have been married nearly 30 years. I still rationalize the behaviors of 'my dream girl' of 30 years because to think of the alternatives is too heart breaking for me, for the kids and logistically too 'difficult'. From the outside we appear to be 'soul mates'..... the illusion continues.

I accept most of the responsibility as I chose to marry, for the most part, motivated by aesthetics, but physical appearance has a huge market out there...and to top it off older attractive woman are big business these days and my 'dream girl' 'aint getting any the contrary.

Thanks for your wisdom Doc.

Henry Makow received his Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of Toronto in 1982. He welcomes your comments at